


Dumb

by MeAndMyGaster



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Swapfell (Undertale), Extreme self-indulgence, F/M, Fake Friendship, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Papyrus POV, Papyrus is creepy, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Reader Insert, Somebody Save Him, Swapfell Papyrus (Undertale), Swapfell Sans (Undertale), a little stalking at the beginning, but he knows about it, more tags to come, papyrus is a disaster, reader is female
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-08-20 06:32:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16550738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeAndMyGaster/pseuds/MeAndMyGaster
Summary: Papyrus decided to move away from his brother - both to give Sans some space and find some peace for himself. All is fine and dandy until he decides to lie about having a friend.Daydreaming about knowing his neighbor doesn't count as having a friend.





	1. Is this stalking?

**Author's Note:**

> This is an absolute self-insert dumb fic that I will probably update when I feel like feeding my self-indulgence. It's rarely hungry but when it happens, there are no limits.

Papyrus idly fumbled with his hand in his pocket, feeling the hard surface of the lighter with his thumb. The metal was already warm from his touch but it helped him to calm his nerves a little when he traced every nick and engraving. Perhaps actually smoking the damn cigarette would be better but he was really trying his best to quit.

He jiggled the cigarette pack in his other hand and looked inside it for the fifth time in a vain hope there would be more than one smoke inside. The skeleton knew perfectly well that smoking it would mean he has to go shopping for a new pack but that thought wasn’t particularly appealing to him. His idea to trick his own head by leaving one last cigarette in the pack was brilliant... and was currently biting him in the coccyx.

With a displeased grimace, Papyrus stuffed the pack into the other pocket. He leaned on the dirty chimney to focus his tired gaze on the yard he saw from his usual spot on the roof. His flat was in an old five-story building that connected to four other ugly brick walls, thus creating a misshapen closed backyard. A small patch of dried yellow grass, a carpet hanger used mostly by kids as there was no playground anywhere close, crooked stone pavement and a row of lock-up garages. It was nothing appealing, really. But somehow, he found it soothing to observe what was going on there at any time.

It was somewhere around eight in the evening when he saw you for the first time. At least, that was the moment he actually noticed your existence - a loud crash of breaking glass was hard to ignore in the calmness that seemed to fill the backyard.

He had to lean a little over the low wall surrounding the roof to see what was going on. He caught a glimpse of your ruffled hair when you were closing the dumpster after tossing your trash there. Papyrus’ red eye lights followed your carefree walk back to the building right across his. With some amusement, he noticed you wore blue slippers, even though it rained a few hours earlier.

He didn’t think much of you then. But that’s when it actually started.

_________________

“... and Undyne keeps calling me because of that. It’s not like I can actually do anything useful right now. I'm not the Captain anymore and I stopped giving a _shit_.”, Sans’ voice rang strong in the speaker. “Anyway... how are you settling in? Is everything to _your_ standards?”

Papyrus scoffed quietly enough for his brother not to hear this and started picking on the cracked concrete right next to his elbow. He was leaning on the wall and staring at the backyard again - it was much easier to listen to his brother’s unending babbling when he had something to distract him.

“It’s fine.”, he drawled, his voice hoarse from keeping silent and just _listening_. “Calm. Nobody butts in.”

Which was just perfect for him. Papyrus was worried that weird custom of greeting new neighbors in the building was real but thankfully, it was just another thing humans liked to put in their movies for whatever reasons. Nobody cared, nobody gave a shit about him, he had all the peace and quiet he wanted.

“That’s great to hear. If anything changes though, remember your room is still the way it was. You can _always_ come back.”, the tone of the older skeleton changed a little at the end into more... insistent.

“Cool.”, he answered, not letting Sans know how much that agitated him. “How’s the new job?”

Papyrus dug the tip of his phalange deeper into the concrete and watched with satisfaction as a larger chunk of plaster chipped off. Anything to keep his hands and eyes occupied enough to make the irritating voice of his brother sound just like a distant buzzing in the background.

Having those conversations over the phone - sometimes lasting for an hour - was a small price for being away from Sans. He understood that the other was worried about him in his own way and wanted to check in as much as possible, especially when they both spent most of their lives together but...

He _had_ to move out.

Papyrus felt smothered by his brother’s nagging, for starters. When they lived in the Underground, it was a constant in his daily routine. Somebody that took his mind off stuff, a kick in the ass that motivated him enough to do anything and even go to work. He didn’t have any initiative back then and Sans’ bossy attitude was almost welcome. Besides, it was easier to stay safe while living under the same roof, be it Snowdin or New Home.

When they finally reached the Surface, everything had changed for him. He suddenly had more energy of his own - he knew perfectly well it was due to being anxious in the new environment but that actually made him do something because he _wanted_ to, not because somebody _told_ him to. However, he noticed this magical new tendency also made him more easily irritated when Sans kept telling him to do stuff he had already done or was about to do.

He lived with his brother since he could remember and always had a lot of patience for his ideas and exuberant behavior. But lately... he wanted to use up that patience on something or _somebody_ else. Besides, Sans started dating the ex-queen for real now and seeing them both _snogging_ on the sofa when he came home not that late in the evening was the last straw.

Papyrus covered the lower half of his cracked phone to let out a sigh and for a hundredth time wished to have more than one cigarette on him. Every call with Sans made him riled up again and he felt the magic in his bones coil, looking for release or any way to unwind. He just had to endure and he would have at least two days without it. After he rolled his eye lights while listening to the very vivid description of what his brother would do to the less energetic coworkers that dared to disrupt his work, he saw you.

You just left the building, bag hanging across your shoulder. You were still wrapping your neck with a long scarf as you walked towards the main gate to the backyard. Then you turned left - probably to the closest bus stop that stood a short walk away from here.

What hour was it?

His brother was still complaining about humans when Papyrus pulled the phone away from his skull to check the time.

_________________

You seemed nice.

During this week Papyrus saw you about four times when he watched the backyard from his favorite spot on the roof. Twice when you were leaving in the morning - he assumed it was for work because the time was roughly the same. Once, when you came back in the afternoon. And once he saw you carry some groceries.

Despite being encumbered with your own stuff, you still stopped to help an elderly neighbor carry the trash to the dumpsters. You even patiently asked if the woman needed help with something else. Papyrus thought this was really nice of you.

Not that he doubted humans could be decent beings and support each other, he knew they could. Just... somehow he rarely saw it in the real world. Especially lately, with news filled with war, corruption, dumb politics and other unpleasant mayhem that made him sometimes wonder whether leaving the Underground was actually a good idea.

But you were nice. That was something, right?

_________________

As he stood in the middle of his living room and felt the anxious energy he needed to spend on something, he came to the conclusion that his tidiness was practically nonexistent. He never once cleaned anything since he moved in and some of his stuff was still in the boxes. There wasn’t much - just a few books,  some comics, tools he gathered over the course of years, a couple of knick-knacks and favorite clothes. But there was a plan he would be at least a little more... organized with his life when he finally frees himself from Sans.

This? This was a _mess_ , not a better life.

He figured now was the best moment to do anything. Papyrus flicked the lighter in his hand a few times, the clicking sound feeding his need for a background distraction to help him focus on the cleaning he was about to do. Maybe taking out the trash was a good thing to do first? He could smell the odor of old leftovers coming from the kitchen’s trash can, and he was standing in the middle of the living room. That wasn’t good.

As he tied the trash bag to secure the filth he somehow created by just living here, Papyrus thought that it would be amusing to bump into you while taking out the trash.

_________________

He didn’t bump into you and he was _glad_. Somebody else - Papyrus remembered him enter the staircase next to yours a few times - saw him next to the dumpsters and ran away. That reminded him of the very important fact he stupidly forgot while holed up in his flat. _He was a monster in the world filled with humans._ And humans were still scared shitless of his kind. After all, there was a reason his work had zero personal contact with the clients and food deliverer was always instructed to leave the food on the doormat, take the tip taped to the handle and leave immediately after knocking.

Papyrus came home angry and without any motivation to continue cleaning. The anger was directed mostly at himself for _dumb_ daydreaming. This is how the world worked right now and he should have remembered about that.

His kind resurfaced, took what they could and settled amongst humans as if it was nothing. After all, they were just reclaiming what was theirs - life on the Surface. Humans were violent, that’s true... but his own kind was no stranger when it came to violence as well. And there was also _magic_ , which made even the weakest monster a danger to any human being if used properly.

Papyrus still had hopes that both races would calm the fuck down in time but he doubted that he would see this happen in his lifetime. Humans had issues with each other over the stupidest stuff, so why would they be more accepting towards a bunch of freaks that look like nightmares came real?

_________________

It somehow turned into a habit. Papyrus would sit on the roof in the mornings or early afternoons in a dumb hope of seeing ‘ _his favorite human_ ’, as he called you. He knew this was a weird thing to do but he didn’t see any harm in just sitting and observing the backyard. He saw some elderly ladies doing this for the whole day at times - and he didn’t go that far to have a pillow to settle more comfortably and a small dog as a companion.

How did humans call those ladies anyway? Neighborhood watch? Backyard monitoring? Something like that.

Besides, he wasn’t just waiting for you to show up and leaving right after. He kept watching the neighbors go about their businesses, walk their dogs even though there was a sign they weren’t allowed to shit on the pitiful excuse of a lawn in the middle of the yard, get into their cars and leave only to come back in the afternoon. The backyard his building was overlooking was booming with life. It was somewhat entertaining to watch and it was not Papyrus’ fault you just seemed to be... more alive than the rest of them. Maybe that was just his biased mind talking because he saw you being nice once and just decided that you were a good person.

_________________

You definitely were a good person.

He just saw you pet the neighbor’s dog that jumped at you out of nowhere and stained your trousers with its muddy paws. You didn’t seem mad at all, maybe slightly unhappy about it. The owner was angrier than you were, and Papyrus was sure you had ‘suffered’ more in this situation. But petting the creature was far more important than the dirt on your knees and thighs. After the dog got its share of head pats, you brushed the mud off as best as you could and left the backyard, turning left again.

Perhaps you wouldn’t freak out at the sight of a monster? There was none of his kind living in the neighborhood as far as Papyrus knew but... there was a chance, right?

He began feeling weird while watching you. It was a little creepy, just standing on the roof and observing you from afar, he knew it. But he was just... careful. Yes.

His life in the Underground and his previous... _situations_ with people taught him that he shouldn’t jump into anything too hastily. He needed to properly assess the situation, prepare himself for different outcomes and stuff. _That_ was what he was doing while watching the neighbors, and you, in the backyard.

Maybe he could try and talk to you someday? Not in the morning, of course. You were clearly in a hurry at those hours, especially if you left a few minutes later than usual.

Tomorrow? No. That was a little too soon.

_________________

At least this time he managed to unpack all the boxes and even toss his clothes into the closet before Sans called and ruined his motivation. For a person that is a social butterfly, his brother had a lot of topics to complain about when it came to the humans he’d met so far.

“I understand being tired and unwilling to do extra work, living with the lazybones such as you taught me how to deal with that, but outright scoffing at the customer that says the latte they brought is too milky is just absolutely unbecoming.”, the other skeleton said in his usual quick pace as Papyrus was pressing his forehead to the concrete parapet. “And they did it twice in a row, Papyrus. Twice! Getting the order wrong is, for some reason, acceptable in human society, but not twice. This was on _purpose_!”

“Uh-huh.”, he interjected his part when he heard there’s a pause for him to do that. It was harder to ignore the complaining when his brother was agitated and the tone of his voice rose and lowered too quickly. He did believe him when he brought up the topic of racism because monsters weren’t treated as equals here after all - but the feeling was mutual.

He tried to tune out the offended babbling but the tale of a shitty service in one of Sans’ favorite restaurants wasn’t that easy to ignore. Bits and pieces of information still reached him, and no matter how hard he fought, most of it would remain in his memory for days. He wasn’t required to actually listen to what his brother was saying - being just a wall to vent to was his major purpose during those calls after all - but he would be glad if his mind wasn’t filled with those words after every time he heard from Sans.

He went back to watching what was happening in the backyard in a vain hope to have something to occupy his thoughts enough to last through the call. From time to time he grunted in acknowledgment or made a questioning sound, just like he usually did before. It got a little easier when he saw you run out of the door and towards the gate.

That made him smile a little - you were late and it seemed amusing to him in that non-malicious way. He wondered whether you had a day off or had other plans because he didn’t see you leave at your usual morning hour. He sometimes wondered where were you working. It must have been somewhere with a regular schedule... and probably where you weren’t needed during the weekends. He didn’t see you in the mornings then but... maybe a late shift?

“Uh. Yeah.”, he answered idly to the next question his brother asked not entirely focused on what he was saying this time.

There was a pause.

“Really?”, Sans asked, his tone incredulous. “You’ve got to be _kidding_ me. You’re living there for how long... barely a month? I didn’t think that was possible honestly but that’s great to hear. That was awfully quick.”

Papyrus still wasn’t sure what he was talking about but this time the focus of the conversation was entirely on him. Which wasn’t good. Besides, whatever he agreed to, made his brother sound like this and he didn’t like this patronizing tone and words.

He hummed under his breath, thinking of a response that wouldn’t betray he had no idea what Sans was talking about and was still getting pissed at him for that. “... why?”

“It’s just... there are not many monsters there, so I assumed it would be very hard to meet anybody time-worthy that doesn’t-... But that’s good...”, there was a clear hesitance in his brother’s voice that soon melted into something else. Caution? “That’s good. I’m glad you have someone there in case something happened. We all do need friends in here if we’re gonna survive those humans.”

Papyrus was still irritated but at least he knew what was going on. He was about to explain Sans that he didn't actually have any friends here, nor he did he look for any - he was keeping to himself and barely left the building for a reason - but...

His thoughts traveled to you. Could you be friends with a monster? You were kind, so maybe you weren’t like the other humans? Or... not like the part he saw behave like cavemen with machine guns. Still thinking about this, he grunted in an answer and hoped his brother would drop the topic and go back to complaining. Unfortunately, it got worse.

“What are they like?”

“We barely know each other...”, he muttered. Was it bending the truth or just avoiding the details? “Can’t tell yet.”

“Oh? How did you meet?”, Sans' tone sounded suspicious now but Papyrus couldn’t tell why was that.

He scratched the back of his head and opted it was best to tell something resembling truth. “Uh... she’s my neighbor.”

He could clearly hear an exasperated huff coming from the speaker. “Something more? Do I have to drag everything out of you? Honestly, it’s like pulling teeth with you som-... Hang on. Fuck. I have to go. I’ll call you later.”

Papyrus stared at the screen of his phone until it turned off on its own.

Well, that was dumb. It wasn’t entirely a lie when he said he barely knew you because it was true. You didn’t know he existed and he didn’t even know your name. But there was something satisfying in making his brother pause... and maybe give him some credit too? He usually spoke of Papyrus as if he was a social outcast only because he made a mistake _once_.

Still... it was a dumb thing to do. He should ask you maybe? Just... bump into you somehow tomorrow and do it? Tomorrow sounds good.

_________________

It was honestly hard to learn your name by just creepily watching you from the roof. Yeah, he didn’t ask you. Papyrus was fully aware this was plain creepy now. It went way beyond being careful because now he had a goal to gather personal information about you. He tried checking the intercom but there was no name next to your flat number.

How did he know which number your flat was? Uh...

Let’s say sometimes he was too observant and smart for his own good and noticed which window lit up right after you came back home in the evenings. It could be a coincidence if it was once but three times is a pattern and he was fairly certain he knew where you lived. The layout of your building was the same as his. He lived at number 11 and his flat was to the right from the staircase on the 4th floor, so yours must be number 7 - left and on the 2nd floor. It was quite simple to figure it out and he wasn’t sure he should be proud of himself or startled with how easily this came to him.

Maybe he could ask you about your name tomorrow like a normal person. Yes, tomorrow.

_________________

Okay, maybe not. He needed a _plan_. Plans were good, making backup plans to the plan was even better. He needed an idea why the hell a monster would even talk to a human in the first place. He can’t miraculously count on a coincidence because coincidences happen or not. And coincidences mean there’s no way he can control whether he makes a good first impression.

He thought about maybe coming up with a stupid excuse to talk to you. It was hard but maybe he could just... come and knock on the door and ask whether you have something to fix? It was his job anyway and he could do that a few times around the building so you wouldn’t notice he was up to something shady. He was certain nobody would accept but maybe at least he’d talk to you a little, gauge your reaction.

That sounded pretty solid, given the circumstances. He just needed to wait and see when you come home...

_________________

Papyrus was lying on his couch with his face pressed into the cushions while whining loudly. Why did he have to have such a stupid mind and stupid ideas and stupid sharp eyes and... why was he the fucking creepiest prick in the world?!

He was this close to mustering up the courage to actually go with his plan and at least make himself known as a friendly monster neighbor that fixes shit for money. He even waited on his spot on the roof to see when you come home and maybe get a glimpse at your expression to gauge your mood or something. To be prepared, right?

But before you even reached the door to your building, encumbered with groceries and looking a little tired, the same dog as before pounced at you happily and tore a hole in your bags. Everything you bought spilled freely on the ground and Papyrus saw it all and his dumb observation skills kicked in.

The worst fucking thing about his mind is that when he’s got a stupid dumb creepy thought, he can’t stop repeating it in his head. So now all he can think about is that you’re a human female and apparently have a period or ran out of pads if a kinda big pack of those that fell out your torn grocery bag was any indication.

He groans into the cushion again. He’s so not facing you anytime soon. Un-fucking-believable.

_________________

It was hard to bounce back from the embarrassment he suffered all by himself. There was nobody around that actually knew what he did, what he saw and what he thought but the feeling of magic flushing his cheekbones was still unbearable. He knew, and that was enough to wish the ground opened up and swallowed him up whole.

Probably _that_ was the moment the sheer creepiness of his behavior hit him like a truck. He was _watching_ you, _learning_ stuff about you and you knew _nothing_ about that. Every day he spent a lot of time on that roof, waiting to see you for that minute or two and that was... horrible. Unfair. Creepy. _Dumb_.

If you only knew...

He was getting too involved with his own daydreaming, it seemed. It couldn’t be healthy to obsess about an opinion of somebody who didn’t even get a chance to meet him. Papyrus didn’t know you, he didn’t know what you would think about him, he didn’t have a clue what kind of person you really were.

But he was sure you would not appreciate a _dumb_ stalker in your own backyard.

He had to make it right somehow. He already stopped going to the roof when it was your time to leave for work and tried to avoid looking at you when you came back in the evenings... but he was still there sometimes. Sitting on his ass all day and not leaving his flat for days would drive him crazy.

God, he was so dumb.

_________________

“ _Yeah_?”, this time he picked up while in his flat. It was morning, again, and he was avoiding the roof, again. Thankfully, he had some old broken radio on his workbench and that was enough to occupy him for the time of the call.

“...”, Sans was quiet for a moment before actually asking anything. “Are you alright, Papyrus?”

His hand stilled with the screwdriver deep in the belly of the radio. He must have been too focused on his work to sound as neutral as usual - he was thinking about his fuckup after all.

“Yeah... I’m ok?”, he decided to go for a curious tone. Playing dumb usually worked best with Sans. “Why?”

“You sounded... odd. Did something happen? Are the humans there giving you trouble?”, he started firing his usual questions. “Should I ask Alph to-...”

Papyrus sighed. “I said I’m ok.”

“Was it your friend...?”, Sans’ voice seemed more careful now.

“Oh my god, Sans. _No_.”, he stood up, abandoning his work for now. He was already getting too agitated to sit anyway. “She didn’t do _anything_. Why are you so nosy out of the sudden?”

“I’m... I’m not nosy?”, his words clearly took him by surprise and Papyrus was already kicking himself mentally for blowing up like that. “Why are you so worked up? Something _did_ happen then?”

He stopped right in front of his window and took a few breaths to calm himself down and fight with the ugly embarrassed blush that was threatening to appear once again. It was very uncharacteristic of him to behave like this... but he wasn’t going to tell his brother he was too cowardly to talk to somebody and lied to him because of that.

“It’s... ok. Really.”, Papyrus said after a while and looked at his workbench again. “I’m... I’m working and you... distracted me. This is old stuff, don’t want to break it or... something.”

“I see.”, Sans replied slowly and he knew this meant the topic was on hold. For now.

“So... what’s up?”

“I finally closed the case. You know the one, I told you all about it last time. There’s still a few days for the rest of the formalities, but we’re out of the woods already.”, his brother returned to his usual tone. “All the credit goes to me this time, so... I thought it’s a cause for some celebration.”

“Ah... yeah. You gonna take ‘Tori’ to that French place you kept talking about, right?”, Papyrus settled on the windowsill and started tracing patterns in the dust with the tip of his phalange.

“Actually, no. I’m going to take a day off and visit you.”, he answered.

Papyrus froze, almost feeling the cold of sins crawling up his back.

“I’d love to meet your _friend_ then too.”

Oh no...


	2. We?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, well... he somehow has to deal with the problem at hand, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The disaster Papyrus strikes back! Or at least tries... 
> 
> My god he tries.

 

It was just his luck that his dumb lie would blow up in his face like that. _Of course_. It was clearly too much to ask of the universe to allow him a peaceful existence away from his nosy and overbearing brother. Now, it would only get worse if Sans learned he lied to him.

The fault was his, obviously. He failed to listen to his brother properly, didn’t even think that he would care enough to stop talking about himself and actually focus on his younger brother. He would feel guilty about it if he didn’t feel how anxiety grabbed his soul with a clawed hand and began squeezing him hard.

Papyrus had to pace around his flat to deal with the additional nervous energy. His red eye lights, currently shrunk into two small pinpricks, stared straight at his bare feet as he walked around the wide couch and flicked with the lighter. He had to step over some parts discarded on the floor - he was supposed to finish repairing this radio in two days but wasn’t able to focus at all. He had to.

He was probably going to do it in the last moment, pulling an all-nighter and straining to see the small parts in the dim light of his cheap light bulbs. He should change them soon too. He had the pack of those since he moved in.

Papyrus shook his head and pushed the train of thoughts at the problem at hand. He had very few choices of what to do with it, apart from disappearing from the face of the Earth and never showing his dumb skull ever again.

He could admit to the lie... But that would make Sans lose his shit and call him every day and visit him anyway and surprise visits were a possibility too and- The thought about the loud skeleton hovering over him because of that made him feel a little nauseous from anxiety.

The other thing he could actually do was... getting to know you. You were just _there_ , a minute walk away. He could just go to your flat and - while _not_ thinking the creepy thoughts - go with his previous plan of befriending you.

You seemed like a nice person, so maybe. What did he have to lose anyway?

_________________

You slammed the door straight in his face before he managed to say “hi”.

He looked at his clawed hand as if the knocking he did was the issue but he knew that wasn’t the case. Not that he was surprised with your reaction - it was late and he was a creep of a big monster that had to bend down to be able to peer into the low doorframe. He was also fairly certain you lived alone, so... that was almost expected. At least he tried, right?

To Papyrus’ surprise, you opened the door again a few seconds later. He was still recovering from the bang of the slamming door so he remained on his spot with a hand raised slightly. Like a dumbass.

“Ok... sorry. That was rude.”, you were peering at him through the narrow crack. From where he was standing he could guess you were leaning heavily on the door as if bracing yourself to close them as quickly as possible.

“Is there anything I can help you with, sir...?”, you hesitated for a moment and added quickly. “Or Ma’am. Uh... _captain_?”

Papyrus would chuckle at this attempt of being polite if he wasn’t still too shocked about the door slamming followed by the decision to actually talk to him. Like with a person.

“Yeah...”, he managed to mutter and looked around the staircase, suddenly very self-conscious about how his husky voice sounded. “May I come in?”

“ _No_.”, your tone was sharp.

He blinked a few times. Again, he wasn’t entirely surprised. That was a dumb question. Of course, you wouldn’t agree to do that. You’re alone. He’s a big strange monster. It’s late.

“Okay...”, was not what he wanted to say but nothing else came to his mind at that moment.

This was so not how he hoped to have his first meeting with you. All of his plans and backup plans started to burn from the moment his brother declared his visit but now they crashed on the ground and nothing could be salvaged from the flaming wreckage. Especially with how you seemed to grow more and more uncomfortable under his creepy gaze.

He was being silent for too long. Papyrus grimaced at himself and you probably noticed that too.

You cleared your throat, your fingers clutching the door had white knuckles already. “So... you... want something?”

That allowed him to regain his voice. “I... I need a favor.”, he blurted out. He continued when he saw you raise your eyebrows in a silent question. “My... my brother is coming over and... I uh... kinda told him I have... a... friend?”

The silence that fell after his words rang in his skull like a bunch of alarm bells. Papyrus heard how his magic buzzed in his bones and flooded him with a wave of hot embarrassment. He would have swallowed nervously if he had a throat.

“I... I know how it sounds...”, he assured before you were able to say anything.

You shook your head while still staring at him with eyes opened wide. “You have _no idea_ how it sounds.”

Papyrus grit his teeth and looked away. It’s been a while since he needed a cigarette this much. He clenched his hand on the lighter he hid in his pocket and didn’t make any indication he wanted to leave. Some part of him was blindly hoping something in your demeanor would shift.

“I just... you seemed nice... so I thought...”, he muttered after another tense while of silence.

He heard you take a deep and slightly shaky breath. Great. Besides behaving like the dumbest monster alive, he was also scaring you. He didn’t lift his gaze at you, waiting for... something. Either a miracle or your order to go away. He would listen, that’s for sure. He had made enough damage already.

“Um... o-okay... I...”, you stuttered nervously. “It’s... late, you know? Maybe... You’ll... give me your number...? And I can... think... and stuff?”

His head snapped up and his red eye lights looked straight at you, making you flinch a little. “Okay.”, he spoke quickly in case you decided to change your mind.

You nodded a few times, your eyes still glued to his tall looming frame. “So... uh... let me... get something to write, alright?”

After his grunt that was supposed to sound like an affirmation, you closed the door and he heard the click of a turning lock. He was actually sure that was the end of it... you either ditched him here and now or were already calling the police. That second option seemed like a _perfect_ ending for his horrible day.

He was about to muster the energy to turn around and leave but the door opened again, catching him by surprise. You had a pen and a piece of paper in your hand.

This was honestly _more_ he could have hoped for. Very slowly, minding your clear discomfort, he reached for the items and plucked them from your slightly trembling hand with only tips of his phalanges.

He should not be thinking how small your hands were compared to his and how he could easily wrap his thumb and pinky around-

 _No._ God _. Why was he like this?_

Papyrus had to lean on the wall to use it as a makeshift table and scribbled his phone number. He tried to make sure his horrible handwriting was easy to read in a small chance you honestly wanted to use it and didn’t choose this tactic only to placate a potentially dangerous stranger.

He gave you the paper first and then dumbly noticed he was still holding onto the pen, clicking with it nervously. A second later the pen was back in your hand too.

“Uh... so...”, he started, not sure what to expect now.

“Goodnight.”, you said with an uneasy smile that was far from genuine.

“...right.”

_________________

Yeah no, that went horribly. It was a disaster. Utter, _complete_ dumpster fire.

There was a nagging thought in his mind about how you waited for him to be at least one storey lower before finally closing the door. He was sure he heard you use two locks this time - when you opened the door there was only one click after all and he was mentally kicking himself all the way to his flat for doing this. The echo of those scared clicks only made him replay the whole awful conversation in his head over and over again.

Why did he ask you to come in? Why did he sound that way? Why couldn’t he have a decent conversation instead of just dumping the idea on you? And that “you seemed nice” part?

The door to his flat slammed behind him and he fell onto the couch face first with enough impact to move it a few inches.

God, he was so _dumb_.

_________________

He barely slept at night but that was a given after the double fuckup he had committed those past few days. _Good job_ , Papyrus. You’re doing _so well_ on your own.

He spent half of his day just lying on the couch and staring on the dusty floor. He craved nicotine or about _anything_ to shove between his teeth and bite but going to the roof was out of the question today. And smoking in the flat would be such a drag to undo later.

Heh. A _drag_... No. He wasn’t funny at all.

Papyrus turned his head away from the rest of the room and pressed his face into the cushions. He really doubted he would be able to fall asleep but he was so tired already. Perhaps after a nap, he would have enough energy to at least finish fixing the radio. One thing he was actually good at. Sometimes.

_________________

A low buzzing coming from the phone he left on the floor jerked him from the slumber. He let out an unhappy groan as he blindly started feeling the carpet to find the device - his brother would nag him about not picking fast enough... and probably grumble something about a pile of dust in a ditch.

Only when he unglued his face from the cushion and looked blearily at the phone he noticed the buzzing stopped after the first signal. It wasn’t a call and a big yellow envelope icon in the middle of the screen was a proof.

He was up in a split second, almost falling off of the couch while he fumbled with the device with one hand.

 **Unknown number:** when is your brother coming?

He had to re-read the message about five times before the meaning of it really sank in. Papyrus blinked and frowned while leaning closer to the device. Was it you? It... it had to be, right? Who else knew this number and about his brother’s visit, right?

You... you _really_ wrote to him?

 **The Monster** : 4 days  
**The Monster** : well no, 3 days now

He managed to quickly respond, noticing only after he sent the first part that the lack of proper sleep made him lose the track of time.

There was enough time between his answer and your next message for him to nervously save your contact... and write the number down in case he forgot to take his phone out of the pocket while doing the laundry again.

 **Neighbor** : and why do you want me to pretend?

 **The Monster** : he’s hovering over my social life for forever i guess  
**The Monster** : hoped he would back off if i tell him there’s a friend or something  
**The Monster** : it backfired. he’s coming to visit out of the sudden  
**The Monster** : he’s gonna get worse when he finds out

That was. Too much. Yeah, he wrote way too much than it was necessary. It was a simple question, right? Or perhaps was it better to explain the situation?

 **Neighbor** : weird  
**Neighbor** : ok, but why me?  
**Neighbor** : why not a monster or something?

Papyrus decided to tone it down a little. There was no reason for him to seem even weirder to you after what he had already done. He was vaguely aware he was hunched over his phone and standing in the middle of his living room. He didn’t care, he was too focused on typing and waiting for answers.

 **The Monster** : there are no monsters here. or i didn’t see any?

Not that trying to make friends with a monster would work for him. It was extremely hard for him to do ‘friends’ with others. Most of them might know who his brother was before... And others would be absolutely _not_ interested unless there was something _disproportionately big_ to gain.

 **The Monster** : you seemed nice enough?

Some dumb part of him decided to add this before any of his filters managed to stop him. A second later he slapped his hand on his forehead.

Every second you took to answer was a torture to him. Was it the end? Was it enough to kill the rest of your curiosity?

 **Neighbor** : you keep saying that. you don’t know me at all.

He didn’t need to be a mind reader to see the accusation poking at him from this message. Papyrus needed to take a few breaths before he limblessly sat down and slowly typed, feeling how the sins were crawling up his back once again.

 **The Monster** : saw you help an old lady once? in the backyard?  
**The Monster** : that was nice  
**The Monster** : kinda remembered that

Your answer didn’t come after ten minutes. There was none after fifteen minutes too. Papyrus’ leg started bouncing nervously as he waited for something. _Anything_. His resolve to tone it down snapped after another minute.

 **The Monster** : i know it sounds creepy  
**The Monster** : sorry

He grimaced at himself. Of course, it was creepy. He heard this about himself enough times to know how his behavior seemed to other people. He _was_ creepy. He was _staring_. He was _noticing_ things and _remembering_ them for no reason. And then _blurting_ _that nonsense_ in the least appropriate moment.

 **Neighbor** : so what? you saw me once and decided i’m a person that would go along with your idea?

This was the moment he hesitated before typing anything about his... rooftop activities. Now that would be extremely dumb to bring up now, wouldn’t it? Is this what people meant saying that lie has short legs?

 **The Monster** : well, no?  
**The Monster** : i mean, i hoped you would?  
**The Monster** : hoped, nothing more

 **Neighbor** : and what if i say no?

He frowned a little at this. The first impression he left on you must have been really awful if you had to ask this. Were you really worried he wasn’t going to accept a simple ‘no’?

Probably...

 **The Monster** : then i will have to figure something else  
**The Monster** : without involving you  
**The Monster** : of course

 **Neighbor** : of course

He didn’t know if that helped. He _thought_ it did. Or at least... it should have? It was hard to tell what exactly did you mean with that last message without hearing the tone of your voice. Would that be a scoff? Or something else?

His leg was bouncing again.

_________________

It was a few hours since you sent your latest message and Papyrus did everything in his power to keep the phone out of his reach. His hands itched to write again, to ask you again, to type about anything that would make you answer. He didn’t know what you were thinking about him but he was sure it wasn’t anything nice.

Somehow he managed to take a shower. A long one at that, the warm stream of water pattering on his skull felt soothing and slowed down his frantic train of thoughts. If he could, he would have stayed there for hours but there were still things he was supposed to do.

Ultimately he _didn’t_ manage to get back to fixing the radio but at least he picked up the parts scattered on the floor and made it easier for himself in the future. That was something.

That was everything he was able to do though.

 

_________________

 

When his phone buzzed again in the evening, he almost launched himself over the couch to check if that was you.

 **Neighbor** : what’s in it for me?  
**Neighbor** : you get to have a fake friend for your brother’s visit, right?  
**Neighbor** : what about me? what do i get?

Oh. You... were negotiating? That’s what it was, right?

He nervously rubbed the back of his skull, a scraping sound echoing in the empty living room. Papyrus honestly didn’t have any plan for this. That was _far_ more than he had hoped for. And the fact that you were willing to discuss this didn’t do anything to calm his anxiety. He had gotten so far but what if he didn’t have enough to offer for that?

What... what exactly was the price of fake friendship?

 **The Monster** : i’m fixing appliances for living  
**The Monster** : i could fix yours free of charge?

He quickly pulled his computer closer to him to check how the job posting site he used was spelled and texted you the name of his profile. This was one of the moments in his life he was glad he decided to fill the outrageously long form on the site to set this up weeks ago.

 **Neighbor** : there’s no address  
**Neighbor** : but the number checks

He nodded to himself. You were actually checking him - that was smart and cautious of you. You had already put a lot more energy into this than he assumed you would.

 **The Monster** : yeah  
**The Monster** : i moved recently, didn’t get around to fill it in

And he honestly preferred to not post his home address out there for anybody to see. The mere thought made him feel uncomfortable. If a client contacted him... that was something else entirely.

Oh...

Alright, he knew your address and that suddenly felt extremely unfair to him. He decided to fix this.

 **The Monster** : i’m across yours  
**The Monster** : 67/11 4 floor

He resisted the urge to check out the window in case you were doing the same. That would be creepy if you saw him, right? Or maybe he _should_ do it to show his dumb mug and prove he wasn’t lying? His phone buzzed in his hand before he made a decision.

 **Neighbor** : i think i’ll pass  
**Neighbor** : it’s a no

 **The Monster** : ok

There wasn’t anything else he could write, really.

He tossed the phone away from him and it bounced on the couch once before wedging itself between the cushions.

At least he tried, right?

_________________

Papyrus was still thinking about the messages from you and the whole dumb mess he was in. It wasn’t this easy to forget the last few hours of his life that seemed most exciting and nerve-racking since he decided to move here. At least he finally sat down to take care of the old radio and the thoughts flooded his mind as his hands deftly took care of the small parts, tiny screws, and burnt wires.

Telling Sans now would be far from smart in his opinion. He was coming to visit no matter what Papyrus was going to say, so extending the anger over two more days was... Yeah, no. Thank you.

There was a part of him that wanted to tell him you were just out of town for the visit... but he was sure this would backfire even more. He didn’t want to scare or inconvenience you further. He told you he would find another way and for all his flaws he was still a skeleton of his word.

He was too deep in his spiraling thoughts to register his phone buzzed a while ago. The radio was almost done and he was too focused to emerge from his workflow until he screwed the back lid in place. He turned the device on to check whether it was working and the client’s complaint was fixed.

With a sigh, he wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his dark gray jumper and stood up to straighten his joints. Accompanied by the sound cracking joints - which left a quite pleasant feeling after being seated hunched over the workbench for this long - he grabbed his phone only to almost drop it a second later.

 **Neighbor** : you know how to fix a dishwasher?

He scrambled to catch the device before it fell to the floor and firmly held it in both hands as he stared at the screen.

Oh. Oh!

 **The Monster** : i think so?  
**The Monster** : got my hands on a few, all worked in the end  
**The Monster** : depends on the model

 **Neighbor** : you figured something out?

 **The Monster** : nope  
**The Monster** : gonna tell him when he comes  
**The Monster** : better have him angry in two days not now

Yeah, being honest seemed like the best way now. Lying only gave him a three-day long insomnia and a headache that was still pulsing behind his eye sockets.

 **Neighbor** : we need to set some ground rules then

We. You wrote ‘ _we_ ’. Did this mean you actually agreed? Or at least you seemed to agree for now. That’s... Ok. That’s fine. He’s fine.

... He felt a little like panicking right now though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my extreme self-indulgence!
> 
> I do have most of the ground rules written already but I'm curious - what would you want to set as a rule in this scenario to make sure you're safe while making a deal with an over 7-foot-tall monster you never met before?
> 
> [Thunderstruck Edgelord](https://thunderstruck-edgelord.tumblr.com/) \- here's a blog for my main UT fic where I answer asks and post updates. Feel free to drop by regarding this fic too!


	3. Do we have a plan?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because faking friendship requires a plan!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have yet another part of my self-indulgence fueled by the utter lack of control of my life and impulses.

Papyrus was glad that you didn’t pick any crowded location for the ‘ground rules meeting’ with him. He was actually worried you might want to face him surrounded by _a lot_ of humans for safety and that could be too much for him on such a short notice. He would _try_ to get there, of course, but...

The backyard seemed like a good compromise and he wasn’t going to complain about it.

He decided to wear something less bulky and in a much brighter color than his huge jacket - perhaps thanks to that he would appear smaller and thus less threatening to you. Unfortunately, his wardrobe was lacking when it came to colorful clothing and he had to settle for a thin gray hoodie. It wasn’t that cold yet.

Already feeling nervousness creeping into his soul he grabbed his lighter and stuffed it deep into the left pocket, as it turned out the right one had a hole. The last thing he did before leaving his flat was taking a peek out of the window to check whether you were waiting for him.

___________________

You were standing right next to the carpet hanger settled in the middle of the backyard. As Papyrus approached, he noticed that your hands tightened around the green horizontal rod in front of you. He himself was a little too nervous to glance at your face until he stopped on the other side of the metal appliance and put his big bony hands on display, mirroring your stance.

“... hey.”, he uttered as he looked away a second later. “You wanted... you wanted to set some rules, right...?”

You cleared your throat and started digging a hole in the dirt with the tip of your shoe. “Yeah. I mean... I don’t know you at all and agreeing to this might be crazy... So, just to be safe, you know?”

He let out a sigh. “Papyrus.”

“Uh... what?”, you sounded surprised and when he looked at you, the expression matched.

“My name. Is Papyrus.”, he repeated but this time using a full sentence. Alright, semi-full sentence. He was really nervous he would scare you away and that was all he could muster right now.

You seemed to cower under his creepy gaze so he looked away again. After a few agonizingly long seconds, you took a deep breath. “Ok. Papyrus. Some ground rules.”

He almost said he was all ears but decided this would be a dumb thing to say, with him being a skeleton and having _no ears whatsoever_. Even as a joke that would be... just too weird. Papyrus settled on nodding.

“First rule.”, your tone sounded harsh but underneath Papyrus noticed a lot of uncertainty too. “Personal space... as in... I don’t want you there.”

He nodded again and moved his hands along the rod, further away from yours. “No touching. No getting close.”, he confirmed. This was something he expected: simple and reasonable.

“Uh... and no photos. Like, at all.”, you continue. “Of me, you know?”

Papyrus actually _didn’t_ know. He raised his head a little to look at you with puzzlement. It was hard for him to say why you didn’t want any photos taken but it’s not like he really wanted any. Asking would probably sound as if he’s haggling and it wasn’t worth the risk. He gave yet another nod.

“And if I... if you say something weird I... the deal is off.”, you provided the next rule and he frowned.

His eye lights focused on the clear discomfort in your expression. “... weird how?”

You hid your hands in your coat pockets and nervously exhaled through your nose. For a second Papyrus thought his question was enough to make you jam out but you just shuffled in your spot. “Like... uh... flirting... or other things that may make me uncomfortable.”

“Oh...”, he stared at you dumbly for a second and dropped his gaze to his bony hands. “... no. I get it. I... it’s _really_ about that friend thing for my brother’s visit.”

His mind latched to that rule and Papyrus started wondering how the hell was he going to avoid blurting something weird or creepy like he usually did. Was this even _possible_ for him?

“Yeah, ok. That goes for your brother too. All of it.”, you added. “Oh, and I don’t want you to... like ask about my family and friends. I mean, I just don’t wanna share about them? But if _you_ feel like doing so I don’t... it’s fine then.”

“Sure.”, his thoughts hadn’t left him alone but he managed to focus on your words. He wasn’t sure how he was going to control his brother but at least there was no risk of the other skeleton _flirting_ with you. Sans _hated_ humans...

He should probably warn you about this before the visit.

You took a step closer to the carpet hanger and placed your hands back on it. “And I... I need a photo of you? To send to my friends.”

“Why?”, he frowned again.

“Well... if something happens to me then-”, you started explaining but he interrupted you.

“ _Alright_.”, he huffed, not really willing to listen to the rest.

You swallowed slowly while staring straight into his eye lights. “Y-yeah?”

“That makes sense. You’re _scared_...”, he saw you wanted to protest but he didn’t stop talking. “That’s _fine_ , actually. It would be odd if you weren’t, I guess?”, Papyrus was already kicking himself for the way he worded that sentence but it was too late to change it. “But you’re also curious. You could have called police on me back then. They would have believed _your_ statement... not mine.”

You pursed your lips and looked at your shoes. “It’s not like being scary is a crime...”, you muttered.

“And you didn’t have to text me at all. But you did... _twice_.”, he tried not to look smug as he said this but he failed. You noticed that expression when you glanced at him and, fortunately, just scoffed.

“Ugh... Listen, it’s... yeah. I _am_ curious.”, you avoided looking at him and Papyrus wondered whether you were embarrassed. “Not every day a monster bigger than my door comes to me and asks for a favor, ok? I mean... I’ve talked to a monster like... what... three times in my life? You’re weird. And... this idea is...”

“Dumb.”, Papyrus suggested.

You pointed at him. “Yes, thank you. It’s dumb. It sounds more like an excuse, honestly. So... I’m going to make sure that... I’m safe while indulging myself at the same time.”, your voice faltered at this point and you withdrew your hand. ”Or at least... well... I’ll make myself a shitty target.”

He hummed in agreement. You seemed both cautious and curious which was something interesting for him to see. And smart. He liked people that were smart.

“Anything else?”, he cocked his head. It was easier to look at you now and you seemed relaxed too, even if just a little bit.

“I... don’t know? Uh. I get to make new rules along the way? This is the first time I do something like this, how am I supposed to know?”, you shrugged.

Papyrus smirked. “Fair. If that makes you feel comfortable and... _safe_ , all of those are good. Can I have one of mine, too?”

You frowned at this but nodded nonetheless.

“Could you not tell my brother about this deal? Even if... uh... you decide this idea is too dumb or even leave because of me or my brother?”, he asked as he started fiddling with the lighter in his pocket. “Just... just tell me later or in a way he wouldn’t notice.”

He was pleased to see that you gave his ‘rule’ a longer thought and didn’t jump right into this. It seemed like you treated both him and the whole dumb idea with seriousness. That was... good.

“I... think I can do this.”, you nodded after a while and looked back at him.

He gave you a smile - or at least he hoped it looked like one to you. “So... your dishwasher broke?”

___________________

An hour later, Papyrus came to your place with a toolbox under his arm. He figured that fixing your dishwasher first would compel you to keep your end of the deal even if something weird happened. It was a given something _would_ happen, he wasn’t counting on a miracle. He knew it seemed a little manipulative but... yeah. Papyrus hoped all this would go as smoothly as possible despite his shitty luck.

You led him straight to the kitchen so he didn’t have a chance to take a good look around your flat. As for now, he noticed the layout was different than his, with all the rooms separated from each other. The kitchen was small but thankfully big enough to fit him sprawled on the floor when he started working on the dishwasher.

At first, you were hovering over him and standing in the doorway, keeping an eye on what he was doing to your kitchen appliance. This was making him extremely self-conscious. He had an anxious feeling that if he dropped his screwdriver or a fumbled clumsily with a small part in his big hands you would think he was lying about his skills. The more he focused on that thought, the more he squeezed the tools in his hands to make sure that wouldn’t happen. Papyrus disliked when somebody watched him while he was working but this time he said nothing and decided to suck it up.

After some time, you left him alone and he heard you shuffling around the flat. There was also a sound that reminded him of a computer keyboard. This was better. He couldn’t expect you to leave him alone in your flat for an hour or two so this was the best he would get. Soon enough, he was in his zone, his attention glued to the dishwasher. It was way more advanced than he had a chance to work on, but that was actually cool. It was more complicated and kind of fun to figure it out.

“Will it live?”, your voice coming from the middle of the kitchen startled him. He jerked up and banged his skull on the underside of the counter. _Hard_.

With a loud hiss and a few swears, he crawled away from the dishwasher and grabbed his head. The throbbing pain from the impact came with delay and now hit him with full force.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to! God, one moment...”, you seemed genuinely distressed because of that and if Papyrus wasn’t too occupied with _something else_ he would find that amusing.

He shook his head as he sat on the floor, his skull cradled in his hands. “...’s ok.”, he muttered through clenched teeth.

“Here.”, you said after a second and a weird crispy sound attracted his attention.

When he raised his head to look at you, the first thing he saw was a plastic bag in your hand. It seemed to be... frozen peas? Alright, that was not something his hurt skull could understand right now.

Whatever expression he had, it made you withdraw your hand a little. “It’s... a human thing? The... the cold is supposed to numb the pain, I guess. I’m not sure if it works on you... I’m sorry.”

“Oh... right.”, he nodded, or at least tried to but changed his mind halfway when the pain got worse. “... thanks.”

He reached for the cold bag and pressed it to his skull. Papyrus’ head was down so he couldn’t look at your face but the fact that he was still able to see your blue slippers meant you remained in the kitchen. You were worried and, despite the pain, that made him smile a little. You were really nice.

___________________

This was a good day overall. He barely felt the bump on his skull by now and was satisfied that he managed to figure your dishwasher out in a timely manner. He was still a little worried about how he was going to follow the rules you set for him but he would manage. Somehow.

Papyrus decided to keep his end of the whole bargain and tried to make a snapshot of his face for you to use as your fail-safe. The initial result was... far from desirable. He gave it a few more attempts but no matter how he tried, every photo looked _horrible_. He knew his whole appearance was supposed to be intimidating but this time his looks were an obstacle.

Ultimately, he chose the one snap where he looked less feral and just tired. Tired was good. Tired wasn’t scary.

 **The Monster** : i tried my best  
**The Monster** : no filters work on me

Was he funny with that? He hoped he was.

___________________

His brother was coming tomorrow in the afternoon and Papyrus still didn’t have a chance to talk to you about the details. He wasn’t even sure there _should_ be any but perhaps being a little more ready than knowing your name and address wouldn’t hurt. Besides, you didn’t text him back after he sent you a photo yesterday evening. It got him worried.

What if you just wanted to have your dishwasher fixed and that’s all? The whole talk about rules didn’t seem like it but what exactly did he know about you? Or maybe it was his dumb joke? Did the dishwasher break again and you blamed him? Was it the photo? He checked it three times already and there was nothing you didn’t see before. Only his tired face, nothing more.

Maybe you just changed your mind? He was standing on the roof again, wrapped in his thick jacket and staring at the carpet hanger in the middle of the backyard. There was nobody around right now, the hour was too early for any neighbor to leave their flats this Saturday morning. He heard some of them were up though if a loud radio music coming from the few flats over was any indication.

Papyrus fiddled with the lighter in an anxious manner and wondered whether he should buy a pack of cigarettes before his brother’s arrival. He still had that one cigarette on him but he began thinking about it as a last resort smoke. And he was sure he would really need it after tomorrow.

___________________

 **Neighbor** : i fell asleep  
**Neighbor** : it’s good, looks fine  
**Neighbor** : we should prepare for your brother, yeah?  
**Neighbor** : could you come by around 1 pm?

Papyrus was glad that you had a similar thought about the whole faking idea  - you two _needed_ to be ready. And that you wrote him, that is. All his previous worries disappeared because it turned out that, of course, you just fell asleep. It was this simple.

He noticed that he didn’t mind going to your place again. He understood your choice, as it was less likely he would try something there than in his own flat. Not that he _was_ actually planning to do anything to you... But tactically speaking, _if_ he was, your flat would be more problematic. Yes.

Alright, he needs to get rid of that thought before he sees you.

Your flat, yes. It was way nicer than his. Perhaps it was because you put a little more energy in making it cozier than he did. He saw some knick-knacks on the window sill in the kitchen and the dishrags you had were colorful. As he was leaving he also noticed the blanket tossed on the couch in your living room. It looked soft. Somehow the whole flat of yours seemed to match your demeanor.

His own flat was maybe nearly tidy but it lacked... warmth? It didn’t seem like somebody was actually _living_ there. Perhaps existing or working - the workbench in the corner was always the most lively part of his place, with all the post it notes and spare parts. But besides that, it seemed dull and empty. He did move in not that long ago, so there wasn’t much time to properly settle in, and he didn’t have so many personal belongings to begin with.

Maybe he should find something nice on the internet? Making his own flat more welcoming and homey didn’t seem like a bad idea.

___________________

Papyrus clenched his hand on the lighter he still had in his pocket as he was unwillingly dragged into a staring contest with another human. You had a friend over, something you failed to mention on accident... or on purpose. He was _so_ not ready to see another human and almost considered retreating to his flat.

He wasn’t sure whether he should be relieved that it was your friend that looked away first. Being intimidating was the last thing he wanted to do around you - he knew monsters were scary to humans after all. However, facing a strange man only made him get more creepy and silent due to the nervousness that spiked in his soul. Papyrus just couldn’t help it.

“Alright. Here you go.”, you interrupted the silence as you came back to the very narrow and suddenly _very_ crowded hallway to give your friend a small bag with something. “See you around, Matt.”

This ‘Matt’ sent him the last judging look and after a quick hug between you two the human left. Papyrus suspected this was one of the friends you decided to tell about a monster neighbor and the dumb idea he had. He didn’t seem that surprised seeing a tall skeleton enter your flat, so it was possible. He wondered whether the name he heard was a real one though.

Only when the door closed after the human, Papyrus took off his bulky jacket and carefully hung it on one of the coat hooks on the wall. He didn’t feel comfortable without an additional layer on him but it was too thick to wear inside your flat - it was pretty warm in here. At least he found a slightly lighter shirt to wear this time though it was a stretch to call a dark red color something lighter.

___________________

“So... is there anything I should know? Like... some basics for a neighbor?”, you asked as you took the lone armchair when he sat on the couch.

He touched the soft blanket of yours by accident and quickly withdrew his bony hand to lace it with the other one and hang them loosely between his knees. You made yourself some tea already and offered him water - it was his choice. Now both of you were waiting for the pizza you ordered.

“I’m... not sure?”, he grimaced a little. “I mean. You know my name and what I do. And that I have a brother... his name is Sans.”

“Anything else about him?”, you asked, seeming curious.

“He’s fairly successful on the Surface. Not the most interesting topic for me...”, Papyrus shrugged, not really feeling like talking about the Great Sans, the former Captain of the Royal Guard, et cetera.

“Oh. Yeah.”, you pursed your lips and typed on your phone for a short while. Were you assuring your friend you were fine or checking something? “I could ask you some dumb curious human questions if you... uh... want to answer them? I mean... I would if I was your friend, right?”

“Shoot.”, he leaned back. Even your couch was way more comfortable than his own.

You took a deeper breath. “Ok, but I really don’t wanna offend you.”

That made him smirk a little. “You said yourself you talked to monsters only a few times. How would you know what’s offensive?”

You nodded at this but still needed some time to either muster up the courage or to come up with any questions at all. Even Papyrus noticed that thinking about this as a fake friendship made it harder to actually know each other in a more relaxed matter. Like a chore of some sorts?

“Well, ok... what about your teeth?”, you bit your lower lip. “The golden ones, I mean. Are they yours or...?”

Papyrus covered his golden canines in a self-conscious gesture before he managed to suppress it. He looked away and lowered his hand - to his dismay, there was no comfortable pocket he could hide it in.

“No. I... got them years back. It’s supposed to make me look more intimidating.”, he explained.

You were silent for just two seconds. “More intimidating than over 7 foot tall moving skeleton?”, you sounded puzzled.

He chuckled in response but stifled the raspy sound as soon as he heard it. Seriously, he was still anxious so he should control himself better. Ignoring the magic that was trying to manifest itself on his cheekbones, he glanced back at you.

It was a pain to be a skeleton monster in the Underground. No claws, no fangs, no bulk of matter to make them appear big and intimidating. Just a bunch of thin bones that looked like a snack for the dog monsters. If not for Sans’ exuberant personality and a lot of hard work, they wouldn’t mean more than a pair of pushovers or targets for easy mugging. It was no different here, on the Surface - though here the humans were the ones that were more aggressive towards him. Or scared of him. Probably both.

“Skeletons aren’t that scary for the other monsters.”, he answered truthfully.

He wondered how his life would be different if he was not a skeleton. He noticed that many of the more anthropomorphic monsters covered in scales or fur had it better here. Or at least that’s how he saw things on the internet. But maybe they were just too used to the more satisfying life and managed to fight for it even on the Surface.

“It’s the flesh?”, you asked with a hesitant smile but whatever you meant by this question, it flew right over Papyrus’ head.

He frowned. “... what?”

“Uh...”, you clearly squirmed under his stare and occupied yourself with your tea. “There’s... this joke... that humans shouldn’t be scared of the skeletons because we all have one and it’s just... just bones. It’s the flesh that’s scary, the... uh... moving bits.”, you scrunched up your nose in an unhappy expression. “It’s stupid.”

“Ah, yeah... I read about it.”, Papyrus squinted a little. “That was weird. I even thought... for a moment... that humans descended from the skeletons. But... it’s... dumb...”

Why... Why did he say that?

You started laughing, of course. You had to place your mug back on the table so the tea wouldn’t spill and you pressed your hands to your face. While you were trying to suppress the giggles, he had to look away from you in embarrassment and clenched his hands on the edges of his shirt. It was a given he would say something so stupid.

“Oh, god...”, you were still laughing but still were determined to say something between the fits of giggles and deep breaths. “It’s like... Like I thought drinking cola would make my bones... bend like... like rubber, you know?”, you chuckled. “I was so terrified... I avoided it for a few months.”

He suddenly felt a little better about himself because your story sounded dumb too and your smile didn’t seem mocking now. You were just... amused.

“I should test that on myself then. Maybe it’s different with monsters and I will get all bendy?”, Papyrus smiled at you and raised his brow bones.

You started laughing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is he funny? He wants to be funny.
> 
>  
> 
> [Thunderstruck Edgelord](https://thunderstruck-edgelord.tumblr.com/) \- here's a blog for my main UT fic where I answer asks and post updates. Feel free to drop by regarding this fic too!


	4. ... why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because why would Papyrus have a one normal day, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My glorious self-indulgence continues, this time with some more characters!
> 
> Enter Sansman!

Shit.

_Shit shit shit shit shit!_

‘Shit’ was the only word that was rolling through Papyrus’ mind when he tried to fight with a fire that broke out in his apartment. Ok, not actually _in_ his apartment but there was a huge flame spilling out of the frying pan and this fact was beginning to be too close to that for his comfort. Not that any open fire except his lighter was remotely acceptable to him...

He tried cooking something simple for his brother’s visit but it turned out like usual - he fucked up to disastrous levels. The smoke filling the small kitchen and staining the wall was very alarming and for a brief moment, he considered pouring water onto the pan to end the fire as quickly as possible. Something in the back of his panicked mind told him that it wasn’t a good idea though, so he scrambled to do the next best thing.

Thankfully, this time the lid he was using fit and, holding the pan as far away from his face as possible, Papyrus exiled the temporarily subdued flaming disaster out of the window. He left it on the window sill and hoped it wasn’t going to suddenly blow up. The whole thing got him so worked up he had to wipe the sweat already formed on his skull.

“ _God_...”, he muttered to himself as he looked at the mess his bold but stupid attempt created.

Half of the wall right next to the gas stove was covered in yellow oil stains and black smears of soot, and whatever he planned to put into the pan was scattered all over the floor. There were heavy swirls of smoke right under the ceiling and when he turned his head to look at the rest of his apartment, he noticed he was barely able to see across the living room.

Papyrus hurried to the opposite window to open it up and waved frantically to help the smoke get out. Only then he noticed he was coughing and his eye sockets were filled with tears. The heavy smell wasn’t a pleasant sensation either.

How in the hell did humans cook without killing themselves in the process was beyond him. He only hoped his neighbors weren’t going to call firefighters on his ass...

____________

 **Papyrus** : i need help

 **Neighbor** : what happened?

 **Papyrus** : i may have tried cooking  
**Papyrus** : and that may have caused a fire  
**Papyrus** : how do i get rid of the smell?  
**Papyrus** : save me, internet tells me to use the stove again

He actually didn’t think those messages through, to be honest. You probably had better and more pressing matters to worry about than his problems with basic house activities. But the idea of having somebody to just whine about his dumbass attempt was too tempting, and there was a small chance you would _know_ the answer to that rather embarrassing question.

 **Neighbor** : are u ok???

Papyrus was currently sitting on the window sill, as far from the kitchen as possible. One of his legs was hanging outside his flat while the other one was still firmly planted on the floor inside. He had his computer prepped on one knee, still frantically looking for a fast and safe way to fix the mess he made. Your message, however, made him hesitate for a moment.

It was not only the fact that it came very quickly but the additional question marks at the end suggested something else than just a polite question. It almost seemed like... you were worried about him?

The mere thought made his soul do a weird flip in his ribcage and that was the main reason he took a little longer to answer.

 **Papyrus** : i’m fine no charred bones

 **Neighbor** : keep it that way!  
**Neighbor** : just air the whole thing  
**Neighbor** : and put everything you can in the washing machine  
**Neighbor** : nothing else can be done now

Now that sounded like something he _could_ do without blowing up half of the building. Unlike ‘putting cinnamon sticks in the pot’ or other fancy stuff he found on the not-so-helpful housekeeping forums.

Did he even _have_ cinnamon sticks at home?

__________  


Papyrus was in the middle of stuffing all the net curtains into the washing machine when he heard another message signal coming from the living room. He left the phone there to avoid putting it absentmindedly in the laundry. Again.

He noticed that he quickly grew to associate the happy chime with you. It fit you after all. Or at least how he felt about having a... well, a _pretend_ friend like you.

 **Neighbor** : i was planning on cooking today  
**Neighbor** : i could make more and we do this at my place?

Another message of yours today made him pause. That wasn’t the plan _at all_ , and you both knew it. Something deep in his soul told him it wasn’t a good idea, not with Sans coming to visit him for the first time since he moved. It was going to be tense or even worse - horribly awkward. But...

 **Papyrus** : are you sure?

It was _your_ decision, right? You _wanted_ to have him and his brother over for dinner and, to be honest, spending more time with you was what _Papyrus_ wanted after all. This time it was you who reached out to him and just this fact was thrilling to him.

 **Neighbor** : i can smell the burnt pan at my place already  
**Neighbor** : doubt you both want to sit there all afternoon

 **Papyrus** : you should know by know that if i mess up  
**Papyrus** : it’s big time

 **Neighbor** : true

That brought a small smile to his fanged face. He didn’t know what he said or did to make the ‘thing’ with you work this way but... somehow, it worked. It seemed even natural in a way he couldn’t describe.

Besides, you _had_ a point. The apartment smelled indeed horrible and it was either suffering through this stench or spending hours in a cold flat due to the open windows. Neither of the options would satisfy his brother in the slightest and Papyrus already knew the way Sans’ face would scrunch up at this.

 **Neighbor** : i’m gonna get to cooking then  
**Neighbor** : hope your brother likes chicken!

Whatever reservations he had before, they were currently pushed aside. Somehow, you even seemed enthusiastic about the whole ordeal. It was making him both nervous and happy to the point he began pacing with his phone in his hands and one last net curtain flung over his shoulder like a sorry excuse of a cape. The only thing that worried him now was you trying to match Sans’ impossible standards.

 **Papyrus** : cook like for yourself  
**Papyrus** : i’m not picky and sans is gonna bitch about everything

 **Neighbor** : ... now that’s reassuring

He stopped in his tracks when the idea hit him, the net curtain catching on the edge of the workbench he was currently passing.

 **Papyrus** : i could help you?

He could... right? Yes! That was the _least_ he could do, especially with your generous offer. Papyrus wasn’t exactly sure how but it was a plan. He liked having a plan, so he typed something more before you had a chance to respond.

 **Papyrus** : the bitching would fall on me  
**Papyrus** : i’m the anti-cook here

 **Neighbor** : if that works, sure  
**Neighbor** : come over in half hour

Yes. This could work. Now his lack of skill in cooking _didn’t_ seem that disastrous.

____________  


It could be hardly called cooking together but still, both of you were in the kitchen at the same time.

You were doing most of the things while he was observing your movements and asking questions. He was too eager to listen to your pointers and suggestions to actually worry he would look creepy with his tall body looming over your tiny form. He still made sure he kept out of your personal space but it wasn’t that hard to figure out.

So far the whole process didn’t seem that complicated but he knew himself better. No matter how easy it looked like when _you_ did it, there was no way he would try this unsupervised. There was only a small chance he would learn enough to stop being a fire hazard - there was a reason he rarely cooked at all and that embarrassing reminder was enough.

At some point, you did something weird and he needed to ask another question.

“Why are you holding it with... _those_?”, he pointed at the plastic tongs you used to keep the small peppers on the slicing board while cutting them with a knife in another hand. It didn’t seem comfortable to him.

It was the first time during the cooking you seemed a little embarrassed by his curiosity and he was close to mentally kicking himself for that. He moved a little away from you to give you space when you put down your tools and pointed at the inconspicuous vegetables.

“Those are chili peppers. I cut them once using my bare hands and it burned for like... _three days_ later.”, you scrunched up your nose a little. “I know it’s silly, but it works, you know?”

Papyrus picked at the hem of his dark red shirt for a second before he blurted out. “I... I can cut those.”

That declaration met with your surprised look.

“I don’t have skin, right? So it won’t affect me...”, Papyrus added. “... probably.”

You still seemed to hesitate.

“You sure? What if it works on monsters too?”, you asked and bit your lower lip for a moment but the serious expression you had melted into something more amused. “Are you willing to sacrifice for this meal like that?”

That, in turn, made him smile. “Sure. I said I wanted to help.”, he answered and his grin widened even more. “If it burns I’m going to stick my finger into my brother’s nose cavity if he doesn’t behave.”

“Ouch... that’s harsh.”, you were already opening your fridge in search for something, abandoning the peppers on the slicing board. “Well, there’s a lot of milk just in case.”

Papyrus cocked his head to the side as he stared at you with puzzlement. “Are you... telling me half of the human’s first aid is centered around the fridge?”

You laughed and closed the door. “Yeah. Seems about right.”

____________  


Overall, the cooking went well - even _his_ part. It was a little hard for him to concentrate when you were hovering over him a little, but Papyrus managed to cut the peppers into vaguely same sized bits. You didn’t say anything during that, so maybe you were just worried that his fingers would start to burn.

You were a nice person, after all.

The kitchen quickly filled with a nice smell and he envied you being able to cook. It was... quite satisfying and he could understand why Sans liked to do that. If only he could have more patience to do that together...

This bitter thought aside, Papyrus figured he had fun doing this with you and you seemed to feel more comfortable around him. Turned out that spending more time together and on something so simple and mundane like this worked miracles. He felt more at ease, too, and didn’t worry about blurting something dumb after a while.

Maybe he could ask you for some cooking lessons later? That would be nice. And even productive!

___________  


He was back at his flat to check whether the smell was gone (it seemed to be worse) and to change into something else. You assured him everything was ready and you would start cooking rice only when Sans arrived to make sure it wouldn’t get cold and dry. Papyrus wouldn’t mind staying a little longer but he still wore the same shirt he had when his own kitchen disaster happened.

He had roughly around half an hour before his brother’s visit - and Sans always arrived on time, never a minute earlier or later. That gave him some time to make the last nervous sweep of his flat and put his shit where it belonged. He left the workbench in disarray though - as a proof he was doing something and the tidiness didn’t seem _that_ suspicious. Again, he found out he didn’t possess anything brighter in colors to wear and he was currently questioning his fashion choices. He really felt like wearing something more colorful lately. 

Papyrus picked up a dark orange sweater but he tossed it away quickly when the horrible stench reached him - it seemed that he left it in the open when he started the fire and now it smelt like burned plastic. He was so going to wash everything he had... and he doubted he had this much space on the clothes horse to leave it all drying forever. Thankfully, he had some shirts stuffed deep in his closet and they seemed to be unaffected by the smoke. Half of them sleeveless - something he didn’t feel like wearing at all - and all of them black. One had a jolly roger printed on the chest and this seemed to be the winner for today’s visit. Maybe you would find it funny.

__________  


His brother was wearing his usual - a fitted black suit and a matching shirt. At least this time he didn’t wear a tie so he looked almost semi-formal but it still made Papyrus feel more self-conscious about his own t-shirt.

“What... is that smell?”, was the first thing his brother asked the moment the door opened for him.

He tried smiling but Sans’ expression immediately made it impossible. There was something between disdain and worry plastered all over that round face of his.

“I... I tried cooking.”, he answered with a stutter, feeling already how anxiousness affected his demeanor.

The ‘inspection’ his brother was sure to do as soon as he arrived was one of the reasons Papyrus was so frantic to get rid of the smoke and its residue from the flat. He failed horribly, of course. Not the first time in his life, not the last.

“You don’t cook.”, Sans answered as he sauntered through the living room with his hands neatly folded on his back.

“Yeah, well... I said I _tried_...”, Papyrus muttered while looking away and masked this with scratching himself on the back of his head. “It didn’t go that well.”

“I see...”, his older brother answered in a matter-of-fact tone as he touched the colorful kitchen rag that was lying on the counter.

The one you borrowed Papyrus when you learned he didn’t have any. He stared almost hypnotized as the shorter skeleton rubbed the thin cloth between his phalanges in an assessing manner.

Now he started thinking that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Both the rag thing and taking his brother to your place. He seemed oddly distant and quiet around him and Papyrus wasn’t sure what to think of it. It was the hardest to guess what he was thinking when he got like that.

He wondered how much of the relationship between them got fucked up because he decided to suddenly move out. It sure as hell didn’t help because now it almost felt like they were walking on eggshells around each other - carefully picking every word before they spoke.

Sans let out a sigh that attracted his attention. “It seems you’re living quite... decently. I am... glad to see it.”

“Ok.”, he answered, a little surprised to hear something like this, or at least in this tone. “Are you... disappointed?”, Papyrus blurted his observation out loud before he managed to stop himself.

His brother shot him a surprised look. “ _Disappointed_? No. Of course not. You’re doing fine on your own, why would I be disappointed about that?”

Papyrus could come up with a few reasons for that but shut his jaw before he said anything else he would regret.

And there it was. _The silence_.

It was so much easier to do this through the phone, at least then Sans didn’t see him fidget in place or do something nervous with his hands. Papyrus knew he didn’t like it.

Both of them stood in the kitchen, avoiding each other’s gaze. Papyrus focused his eye lights on the wall in front of him, the one with the soot and oil stains that were still visible above the stove. He managed to keep his hands relaxed next to his sides, fighting the itch to wrap his arms around himself or to pick on the hem of the shirt.

“My... my neighbor invited us for dinner.”, he decided to avoid the topic altogether and bring another one up.

Sans’ voice was still odd when he reacted. “ _Really_?”

“Yeah.”, he shrugged. “I mean... I messed up my cooking so she offered. I... I helped. A little bit.”

“She sounds...”, his brother frowned a little.

Papyrus didn’t want to hear what Sans had in mind and interrupted. “ _Nice_. Yeah.”

____________  


You seemed nervous when you opened the door to let the two skeletons in but it was nothing compared to your quick grimace when you met Sans’ scowl.

“Huh. I’m surprised you’re a _human_.”, the short skeleton said in a tone reserved for everybody who he thought was beneath him. Which was about 99% of the people he met.

“... um... ok?”, you answered, clearly dumbfounded by that and you stepped to the side to make room for them.

Unsurprisingly, Sans was the first one to enter.

“Papyrus doesn’t even _like_ humans.”, he commented as he shrugged his coat off his shoulders and hung it on the only empty coat hook on your wall.

“ _I never said that._ ”, Papyrus barked in his own defense as soon as he felt your eyes on him. His brother wouldn’t even try to act civil around you, now would he?

“Hm. Yes.”, was the idle response. “At least she has a little better taste in furniture than you, brother.”

That was yet another off-handed jab his brother was way too comfortable to say. It didn’t seem that bad until somebody noticed he spoke about you as if you weren’t present in the room. In your own flat even. Papyrus almost grit his teeth and glanced at you quickly, just to gauge your reaction.

Oh, _god_.

He could see it in your eyes. You’ve had enough already and they just got here. From the way your shoulders were hunched and how you held your phone in your hands, Papyrus already deduced you probably wanted to kick them both out. Your face had the same expression he remembered from his late-night visit - pale and tense, but set on being polite and suffering through the thing nonetheless.

He really hoped it would take a lot more than that for you to snap. Your limits weren’t something he wanted to test today. And probably _ever_.

“I... I should start the rice. You know where the living room is, Papyrus.”, you said and swiftly disappeared in the kitchen, leaving them both alone in the narrow hallway.

“Would you just...”, he hissed at his brother. “... _behave_?”

Sans raised his brow bone slightly. “What? I _am_ behaving. Why are you so touchy?”

“You know what I mean.”, Papyrus had to take a deep breath to calm down a little.  “She’s... she’s _not_ a monster, you don’t have to act so... high and mighty around her.”

“You’re right....”, Sans nodded and for a while, it seemed as if he really meant that. It lasted only a second. “She’s a _human_ , not a monster. My point still stands. I _am_ behaving.”

Papyrus clenched his hands into fists but without another word, he led his brother to the living room, glad the nice and fluffy blanket was hidden for the visit.

__________  


You were trying to be a good host - you offered them tea and checked only every now on then on the rice in the kitchen - but you never let go of your phone. Papyrus noticed you texted something short every few minutes - after the third time he was sure it was every _seven_ minutes. He figured it was one of your fail-safes.

It was... interesting to see you do that. Even if he should be feeling hurt by this, he couldn’t. You were trying to keep yourself safe and from where he was standing, there was nothing wrong with it. He was just grateful that despite your clear nervousness you were also curious enough to stand Sans around.

Him _and_ his questions.

“She doesn’t like talking about her family, bro.”, Papyrus had to interject for the third time, mindful of the rules you set for this dumb ruse.

That earned him a quirked brow bone and a curious glance. “Well, she can tell me that _herself_ , right?”

“Not when you’re _interrogating_ her like this. Stop it.”, he knew this wouldn’t actually work in the long run, but at least you saw that he tried to be on your side. Right?

He really hoped so because now your expression was still tense but also unreadable.

“Fine, fine.”, Sans waved his hand dismissively and put down the cup with half of his tea while pinning you with his cold stare. “I’m just very curious... _Why_ a human girl befriended my little brother?”

“That’s on me.”, Papyrus grumbled truthfully. Not that he wanted to tell about the fake friendship idea he had... but lying with Sans physically around would be the dumbest thing to do.

“Oh, _really_?”, the smaller skeleton squinted his eyes and his haughty smile turned sly. “Then I hope my brother isn’t too pushy, _______.”

There was no good answer to this particular ruse, so Papyrus had to step in again. He was slowly losing his patience and he usually had _a lot_ of it. Seemed like being a liar and a con-man required something he couldn’t muster... or maybe that was just his brother.

“Sans. Cut it out with your lawyer shit...”, he groaned while rubbing his hands on his face.

That had an unexpected effect Papyrus didn’t anticipate. You suddenly perked up a little, nervously managing to look at Sans a while longer.

“Oh... you’re a lawyer?”, you asked.

Sans frowned, his dignity clearly hurt. “He _didn’t_ tell you?”

“No, not really?”, you shook your head and by some magic, you managed to squeeze more words before the other skeleton had a chance to be offended by this fact. “I only know you're quite successful in... uh... whatever you do. And that’s all. We didn’t have much time to talk about that and... well... Since I don’t talk about my family, I don’t push Papyrus to talk more about his...”

“Well... he got _that_ part right.”, Sans seemed placated with this and reached for his cup again, making himself comfortable.

It looked like he was getting ready to brag about his bright and exciting career and that’s exactly what happened a moment later.

Papyrus managed to sneak an encouraging nod to you when Sans was too busy swiping through his phone to find a photo of him and some important individual he talked about a moment ago. You gave him a tense smile and your focus was back on the short skeleton who seemed to enjoy the undivided attention you gave him.

“I’ll check the...”, Papyrus muttered somewhere between the sentences while gesturing clumsily at the kitchen. When nobody tried to stop him, he quickly left the living room.

He figured it would be best to serve food as fast as possible to avoid Sans bitching about the meal being cold. Papyrus wasn’t going to touch the food though - not unless there was something very wrong going with it. He was sure he would mess up if he tried anything...

... besides, this was the moment his brain suggested that you might accuse him of trying to drug you because he was alone with the food for a while. Of course, the good mood he had after cooking with you was gone and his weird thoughts were up and about in his _dumb_ skull. It _would_ be easy to add something after all... He was such a creep again, he really wished he would stop doing that.

The least he could do now was to _hurry up_ and get the plates and cutlery on the table. It would be a good signal to push the whole visit closer to the end, something both Papyrus and you wanted.

As he was stacking the plates on the counter, he heard something crash in the living room and it almost made him drop the dish on the floor. Before he managed to check what the hell was going on ( _and whether anybody got hurt, stars, he hoped not_ ), you ran into the kitchen.

“He was _threatening_ me!”, you said in an alarmed tone as soon as you met his questioning gaze. Before he managed to notice something beyond the fact that you were pale, you immediately tried to hide behind his tall frame.

A second later Sans stopped at the kitchen door. “I would _never_! I am your guest!”, he breathed in a wounded tone.

He always took his brother’s side in the Underground. It was a vital part of surviving to seem like an unshakeable team. He trusted Sans with his life and well-being and his brother knew that. No matter what shit he was pulling, Papyrus was always there to play along. He was aware that many monsters called him his brother’s dog... but that didn’t faze him. He was surviving, they both were, and if that worked, he wasn’t going to complain. This was just a practiced act and nobody knew how many times they argued when nobody was watching.

This time,  _you_ were watching. Papyrus looked over his shoulder at you, meeting your uncertain gaze. No... not uncertain. Scared.

And you grew even more terrified when he was just looking at you, not saying anything useful like the creep he always was.

Papyrus straightened himself, dropping the ready-to-action pose he was in the second he heard the crash and looked at his brother. Sans had a schooled hurt grimace on his face, one that he recognized and could even see a sly demeanor hidden beneath it. It was a silent signal he that he should join in this act. Again. Like he always did.

He hesitated only for a second and put a hand between you and Sans, earning a genuinely surprised frown from his brother.

“Leave her alone.”, he spoke slowly.

He knew his own brother enough to be sure you _weren’t_ lying. He was a sly asshole who would manipulate people with threats, double-edged compliments, and seemingly innocent jabs. That’s what he did in the Underground as a Captain, that’s what he kept doing on the Surface as a lawyer. That was what he tried to pull right here.

“I.. I didn't do anything, brother!”, maybe the words were a lie when Sans spoke them, but the shocked stutter was real. Papyrus was sure of it.

Despite that, he decided to take your side this time. You were alone against the two of them, and now the whole situation turned into yet another dumpster fire created by his hand.

He had hoped that this dumb farse would turn into a friendship or at least a friendly acquaintanceship between you and him. It was going well until this moment and he couldn’t fuck this up, not when you agreed to actually help him despite being scared. Papyrus didn’t want to lose that bit of trust he had earned over his brother’s assholery.

“Then keep _doing_ that while we finish preparing the meal.”, he spoke up again, his voice calm and slow as before.

A tense silence lasted for a few seconds and the atmosphere was almost unbearable. Finally, Sans was the first one to break it.

“ _Fine_.”, he rolled his eyes. Papyrus noticed he frowned and cast one final look at them before leaving.

He waited a moment to hear his brother’s boney ass settle on the couch and turned to you slowly.

Your shoulders were still stiff in a clearly defensive way but at least you dropped your hands that you held up as if ready to fight.

“Sorry...”, he sighed. “I’m... I’m not leaving you alone with him again.”

“It’s... yeah. Good idea.”, you muttered, your voice weak. He kept his movements slow when he got back to pulling cutlery from the drawer and watched you with the corner of his eye socket. He saw you reach for a beer bottle in the fridge but after a second of hesitance, you put it back on the lower shelf and settled for a glass of water instead.

He had a sudden urge to comfort you somehow but... he actually didn’t know _what_ would work. Or if it would be even welcome.

___________  


The dinner was tense and quite uncomfortable for everybody. Sans tried to talk but nobody felt like getting into a discussion with him. You... You were quiet, clearly not willing to talk at all and after the second attempt, Papyrus stopped trying to coax you into a half-hearted conversation.

He tried to see some bright sides in this situation but it was hard. At least you didn’t try to break the deal ( _yet_ ) and the whole situation seemed real. No pretending was needed, so it seemed, with the awkward silence and the meal. 

Which was good by the way. Papyrus made _sure_ you heard that from him.

 

___________

 

Sans left shortly after, exchanging some stiff pleasantries with you. You didn’t seem to buy his suddenly polite demeanor and maybe the door behind the smaller skeleton closed a little too loudly than necessary.

 _Good_. He deserved to know you weren't happy with that visit.

Papyrus offered his help with cleaning after the dinner and, to his relief, you agreed, leaving him in charge of the dishwasher. You didn’t talk too much about what happened but he wasn’t surprised... though he wished you dared to complain about his brother. He would welcome a little bitching because Sans was a truly horrible guest from start to finish. Maybe you didn’t want to make him angry?

“You... don’t have to worry about having him over anytime soon...”, Papyrus decided to try to push you a little towards that. “Not unless he learns to behave like an adult.”

The grimace on your face was close to a genuine smile this time. “Yeah, well... now at least I know where _all_ the charm in your family went.”

He froze with a fork in his hands, looking at you with a probably dumb expression on his face. It wasn’t something he expected to hear after that utter disaster you had to suffer through but... that was nice. He felt _really_ nice right now.

“Y-yeah.”, he stuttered, unable to take his suddenly bigger eye lights off of you. You weren’t looking at him, fortunately. “He’s... he’s the asshole one. Usually.”

“Usually...?”, you let out a deep sigh and he could swear he saw your shoulders relax a bit.

He quickly took care of the fork and closed the dishwasher. It started running, a low hum filling the air in the kitchen. Papyrus absent-mindedly noticed his job was done right because it seemed to work properly.

“He’s extremely nice when he wants something.”, he rolled his eye lights and looked around to find a dish rag to wipe his hands.

You made a weird sound before saying in a much lighter tone. “I _don’t_ want to see that. Sounds terrifying.” That forced a half-hearted chuckle out of him.

“And it is.”, he smiled at you.

You responded with the same, though yours was clearly tired. “I’m... I’m a little less surprised you wanted to... well... fake a friendship with me. He’s... um...”

“He’s a dick.”, Papyrus helped you fill this gap. “He usually means well...in a rather egoistic way... But now? I have no idea what was that about.”

You leaned on the counter. “He tried to give me a shovel talk so...”

“ _God_...”, he covered his face with his bony hand and watched through his phalanges as you smiled a little wider.

__________  


He was _so_ glad he managed to patch things up with you after the whole mess. He was honestly worried no amount of damage control was going to work after the stunt Sans pulled but it seemed to be alright for now. He was sure he needed to give you some time to process what happened and perhaps calm down properly, without any skeletons invading your safe space at home.

For now, he was going to count his blessings you didn’t tell him the deal was off and even gave him a plastic container with some leftovers. The meal you did with his small help was way better than anything he ate lately so it was a very nice gesture on your side.

Papyrus collapsed on his own couch and allowed his head to fall back. He stared blankly at the ceiling, replaying the whole dinner in his head and grimacing at himself. This was a very bad idea, that was for sure. Though...

He felt a little weird too - he decided to protect you and he still knew nothing about you. At all. You weren’t in any imminent danger but... the whole situation just screamed at him to do that. He pulled you into this mess and perhaps he felt responsible for you because of that. There were rules you set after all and he wanted to keep his end of the deal.

Or maybe he was just overthinking this? You were a kind human, you didn’t deserve to be dragged into the way his old world worked. It was this simple.

__________  


A sharp knocking on the door about an hour later jerked him from the shallow sleep. At first, Papyrus wasn’t actually sure what woke him up but he was up and ready in a split second. Another loud banging on the door was enough for him to wake up fully before he even reached the door.

It was you.

Angry and shaking, you almost pushed something into his face as soon as he opened the door.

“I am _not_ okay with this, _you hear me_?”, you said, voice not far from outright yelling at him.

When the initial shock passed, he understood you were trying to show him your phone. He had to lean a little and squint to read what was displayed on the small device, especially with your hand trembling slightly. It was a message that you got only a few minutes ago.

 **Unknown number** : I hope you remember what we talked about before dinner. Have a nice night.

Out of reflex, Papyrus made a room next to himself to let you enter his flat, and you did it, probably too shaken to think twice about this. He stepped away from the door though, giving you more space.

“I... I didn’t give him your number, ________. I _swear_.”, he spoke quickly as soon as the door closed behind you.

“ _I know_!”, you raised your voice again and quickly covered your mouth with your hand. Papyrus waited patiently for you to take a few deep breaths to calm down enough to continue in a much lower tone. “It’s... it’s a different number. My real one. I was... I was using a new one to contact you...” "Oh...", he answered.

That... actually made perfect sense to him. If he was a creep that didn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, giving him a spare phone number was a great idea - this way if things go south you could just delete that one or give it to the police or something along those lines. In hindsight, that was probably the reason you believed him now.

But why did you come to him?

He stared at you, processing the whole thing. Your hands were shaking when you tried to keep your hair out of your face and you cast a distressed look that told him everything he had to know. Papyrus couldn’t begin to imagine how you felt right now. Terrified and cornered, probably. Helpless? Maybe. Only because you decided to indulge your curiosity a little and trusted him.

He clenched his fists for a moment and immediately relaxed them.

“May I...?”, he spoke gently and pointed at the phone in your hand. You gave it to him without question.

You stood a few steps away from him, one hand nervously covering your mouth as he hit dial on the number and waited for the signal.

“ _Yes...?_ ”, a sly, sugary voice answered on the other side. A voice he knew very well.

“Back _off_ and _delete_ her number.”, Papyrus growled angrily at the device in his hand and saw you flinch at the sudden change in his tone.

“ _Papyrus? Wai-”_ , Sans tried to say something but he hung up.

Silence fell right after that and the only thing he could hear was your shallow breaths.

“I... I’m... ”, he tried to say something but nothing came to his mind. What should he say? That he’s _sorry_? No amount of ‘sorry’ could change what happened. No matter how much he apologizes, this wasn’t something a mere word could fix.

You were terrified. A monster _threatened_ you, a human, and knew both your phone number _and_ where you lived. This one simple lie blew up in his face so hard he actually didn’t know what to do with himself.

He took a deep breath and slowly handed you back your phone before he broke it on accident or something. No words came to him again, so he let out another sigh, anger swelling in his soul. God, he was so pissed at Sans right now.

“Is.. is he going to hurt me?”, you asked, your voice just a whisper but to him, it sounded like a shout.

“No.”, he answered quickly and he shook his head. “He has no _reason_ to, it was... shovel talk. Like you said. He just...”

He wanted to do something. Anything. But there was _nothing_ he could do. Or at least nothing he was allowed to do. He still kept a fair distance from your personal space despite feeling the need to somehow... shield you so you wouldn’t cower so much right now.

“I think I should... go...”, you muttered after yet another moment of silence.

His head snapped up and he looked at you as you turned around to grab the doorknob.

“If... If you don’t feel safe there you could stay-... “, he almost choked on his words. “And... I’m shutting up. I’m _so_ shutting up _right now.._.”

You pursed your lips into a tight line and left a second later.

“Yeah... goodnight...”, his shoulders sagged as he mumbled those words to himself.

He locked the door, his movements slow and tired. Instead of walking away, he leaned on it, helpless and dismayed, his skull banging on the surface a few times.

... why? God, why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad Sans? He doesn't know how to behave, does he? I know he seems like an asshole, but overall he's a good bean too! I hope it showed!
> 
> ... somehow?


	5. You ok?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Papyrus deals with his brother the same way he usually did

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno how about you but I felt like being carried around by my favorite Papyrus, so now all of you are going to read that.

 

_“... is childish, and you know that Papyrus. How long are you going to keep up this silent treatment? I didn’t do anything that should earn me this kind of reaction, especially coming from you._ ”, Sans’ tone was steady but he knew it was on the verge of seething.

Papyrus didn’t answer, of course. This was the whole point of his behavior right now. Not talking. Not responding. Not reacting to what Sans said. He still answered the phone when he called, he wasn’t _cruel_. But besides his usual ‘yes?’ that proved he was still alive, he didn’t utter a word.

He was standing on his spot on the roof again, staring at the main door to the building across the backyard. The need to check on you won with the crippling shame he felt thinking about stalking you like this. He just needed to know. It was all his fault after all.

“ _Really? Is that how you’re going to act now, since you’re away?_ ”, his brother scoffed, probably losing his temper a little. The call seemed closer to the end than he anticipated, so this situation must have bothered Sans more than he was letting on.

God, he needed cigarettes so badly right now. That last one he had was already smoked out, up to the filter and a little more. It meant a walk to the store around the corner or hoping the delivery guy wouldn’t run away after seeing his face at the door. Humans had some strict policies when it came to selling certain items to minors and the requirement to show his skeletal mug to anybody wasn’t appealing right now. Especially when most of the shops around here were run by humans.

“ _You know what? Be like that, if you want to pout and sulk at me. I’m fine with this._ ”, Sans almost barked the last words and after a very cold 'bye', he hung up.

Papyrus let out a tired sigh and leaned on the chimney. The cracked concrete layer next to him was almost gone - a proof of how anxious and irritated this whole situation made him. You didn’t text him since yesterday but at the same time, he didn’t text you either. Would it be too soon to ask how you felt?

__________

Yeah, he was _worried_.

Not only because you went silent. He got it, really. Papyrus even expected you to do that, at least at the beginning. You needed time to wrap your head around the whole thing, to think, to calm down. He certainly would need that himself. But there was more...

He saw you in the morning, not long after Sans ended the call. You overslept and didn’t look so well, with bags under your eyes and hair more tousled than usual. Papyrus didn’t have to wonder why you seemed so tired and felt a pang of guilt - he was, after all, responsible for the state you were in. He was also quite certain you forgot your scarf.

It was hard to focus on his work when his thoughts kept running towards you and what transpired the day before. He fiddled with his phone in his hand while sorting the screws and bolts lying around on his workbench, idly hoping you would write first. He didn’t want to stress you with his own inquiries, though he really felt like texting about anything. Perhaps he should wait until the evening.

There was no point in adding to your plate while you were at work.

__________

It started raining when he was standing on the roof again. The clouds were hanging heavily over the city for the past few hours, so he wasn’t really surprised this happened. After a while, it was pouring so hard he could barely see with all the water getting into his eye sockets. He shuddered at the feeling of wetness seeping through his clothes and making the material cling to his bones.

The unpleasant sensation made him take a step towards the door to the staircase when he noticed movement on the backyard.

You ran from the main gate to your building’s door, soaking wet, not even bothering to shield your head in any way. It seemed you didn’t have an umbrella and the cloudburst caught you on your way from work.

The door closed after you and Papyrus needed a few seconds to remember that he was also standing in the rain and getting wet for no logical reason. He retreated to his apartment in haste, not willing to wait for the water to trickle along his spine.

He was distracted when he was drying his bones with a rough towel, thinking about how you’re going to have much more work with your wet hair. This was a creepy thing to wonder about, he concluded, and he didn’t text you that day.

__________

Papyrus was in the middle of brushing his teeth when he heard a buzzing and a familiar tune playing from the living room. He had to get rid of the foam quickly to pick up, quite surprised to see that his brother called him the next day.

“Yes?”, he answered the phone in his usual tone and walked back to the bathroom to clean the rest of the toothpaste from his face.

“ _So now you’re going to give me a soul attack by picking up so late?_ ”, Sans spat at him as soon as he put the device against his skull.

Papyrus didn’t answer, quite occupied with rubbing his teeth with a wet edge of the towel.

He was confident his tactic would work eventually, just like it usually did when his brother overstepped with something. They had a fair share of arguments in the Underground and those often ended with barking unpleasant things at each other, but when Sans crossed a line, he found out that nothing worked better than a silent treatment.

For starters, it didn’t escalate anything. Papyrus hated fighting, be it an actual physical brawl or just a verbal spat, so having a prolonged argument with his brother was the _last_ thing he wanted.

The other advantage of this was that Sans was left with his own thoughts. Papyrus believed his brother was smart enough to figure out what happened, he just needed to cool down a little. His temper was often a problem between them and mixed with his bullheadedness sometimes led to trouble.

The fact that he called right the next day showed that he didn’t want to suffer through the silence longer than necessary.

After a few seconds, Sans spoke up again, his tone calm but devoid of his usual confidence. “ _I checked up that thing I told you about before..._ ”

Papyrus left the bathroom with the phone pressed to the side of his skull and managed to put a buttoned-up sweater on his bare bones. It was still raining, so going on the roof was out of the question, unfortunately. He opened up the window and sat on the sill instead - he had a decent view of the backyard from here too, though he preferred being a little higher.

The sound of the falling water, especially if it was real Surface rain, was always soothing for him. He took a deep breath and focused on the huge drops raining from the sky as his brother continued talking to him on the phone.

__________

**Papyrus** : You ok?

He sent this message after two hours of nervous wandering around the apartment and having nothing to do with his hands. It still didn’t help him to calm down, because you weren’t answering.

Papyrus stopped himself a few times from adding something more and tossed the phone away only to grab it again after circling the couch. For a second, a quite mad idea entered his mind, but _calling_ you would be even worse than texting.

He was _worried_.

Why wouldn’t he be? He assumed you would tell him if you wanted him to stay away. You seemed like a person that dealt with problems head-on if there was a way - you running to him twice when Sans behaved like an ass was proof of that - so why would you keep quiet if you had enough? Did something happen? Are you afraid of him too?

He was still using that ‘fake’ number of yours, so maybe you turned it off or deleted it or what humans did with unwanted numbers. Though he couldn’t quite believe that was the case, he didn’t do anything to threaten you, right? _Right_?

__________

You didn’t come out of the building at your usual time in the morning. Papyrus even waited for half an hour longer but there was still no sign of you. The worry gnawing at his soul since that horrible dinner only got more insistent with this observation. Something wrong was going on.

He had his phone at the ready as he descended the stairs from the roof, but before he managed to type anything, the device rang and buzzed wildly in his hand.

_Sans is calling..._

The third day in a row now, his brother was calling him in the morning. He hesitated only for a second before answering. “Yes?”, he said, as usual, while fishing out a bunch of keys out of his pocket to open the door.

“ _I know you’re stubborn enough to keep this up for weeks. Why are you doing this?_ ”, Sans’ voice rang in his non-existent ear. “ _Why is this... this human so important to you? Or is it what I did? Just... just tell me, you know I hate it when you’re so silent._ ”

The door locked behind him with a soft click and he dropped the keys on the shelf next to the coat hanger. He kicked off his shoes - a feat quite simple as he didn’t tie his shoelaces when he left not that long ago - and collapsed on the couch in the living room.

“ _Papyrus...?_ ”, his brother’s voice was a little weaker and he grimaced at himself for making him do this. He wasn’t going to give in now but that didn’t mean he felt good about that, too.

He listened to the deep sigh that came out of the speaker. “ _Listen. I know you want to live independently and start your own life somewhere... away from me. I can understand why._ ”, Sans continued. “ _But that won’t stop me from trying to protect you like I always did. To me, it’s all the same. It’s us two against the world. And I would never forgive myself if you got hurt again by your so-called ‘friends’... you get that, don't you?_ ”

Papyrus closed his eye sockets and allowed his head to drop backward on the backrest of the couch. He figured this topic might come up eventually but still, it stung more than he anticipated. He kept his breathing calm nonetheless.

“ _... alright. I’ll call you tomorrow, then. I have work to do._ ”, his brother ended the call after a few moments of deafening silence on both ends.

__________

He didn’t plan on tossing the phone there after the last call, but when it happened, he didn’t bother picking it up until he thought it buzzed. After blindly feeling around the floor under the couch, Papyrus grabbed his phone and pulled it out. He had to wipe the dust from the screen and blow the dust bunnies from his sleeve after this particular feat.

He heard correctly - there was a new text message.

**Neighbor** : i’m fine

**Papyrus** : ok   
**Papyrus** : great

He answered without hesitation, a little bit of the weight on his soul lifted. You answered. That was _good_. Papyrus must have missed you coming back from work yesterday and he didn’t see you leave in the morning today, which worried him a whole lot more than he thought it would.

He shouldn’t be so interested in your life after all. Maybe you just changed your shifts. Or took some days off. You looked really tired back then so maybe a short vacation to figure things out and properly rest was in order.

Besides, Papyrus couldn’t actually _ask_ you about it now because you would know he was... well... _stalking_ you. And he was doing that quite a lot for the past three days, to be honest. It was probably way too much to be healthy but he couldn’t help it. There was still this uneasy feeling in his soul that couldn’t just go away.

With a sigh, he got up from the floor and shook off the rest of the dust from his sleeve. For a second, he entertained the idea of getting back on the roof but even his anxious and worried mind knew that this would be just plain _crazy_. He may be thinking about this whole mess like obsessed but he wasn’t going to act like one all of the sudden. Papyrus had work to do and he was planning to focus on this.

All he could do now is to wait a few hours or so. You weren’t that responsive at the beginning before all this dinner situation happened, and after a while, he was texting with you a little. Maybe he needed to give you more space for now... you were supposed to be his _fake_ friend, not a real one after all.

__________

Somehow, he managed to do some work that day. The need to focus on a pretty banged up toaster slowly eased his nerves when he finally got into it, so he sat a few hours over the ruined kitchen appliance to make sure it’s inner parts worked. The bent casing would probably be a bigger problem for him later but he had worked on worse.

When it got too dark for him to see some of the smaller parts, he stopped. He forgot to change the lightbulbs, again. And promised himself he’d do that the next day.

Again.

Instead of taking care of the problem at hand, he dropped all his tools on the workbench and dragged his laptop closer. He had some luck and found a shop that sold home appliances and decorations online. Papyrus had been thinking about making his apartment a little more lively and starting with a few new items seemed like a good idea.

There weren’t many things that drew his attention in particular, but a bunch of new kitchen towels was something he needed regardless. The shower curtain with a colorful owl print and a simple welcome mat ended up in his cart, too.

__________

Sans called him the fifth day in a row. It was morning again and the phone startled him awake as he was trying to catch up some sleep on the couch. He managed to answer it on time but he was still half-conscious when he rolled to his side and sat straight on the uncomfortable cushions.

It seemed like this short and rudely interrupted nap didn’t help him much. He worked until late last night and then was way too anxious to sleep like a decent monster being. The toaster and the old gaming console were fixed, cleaned and ready to be sent to their owners though. He really needed to work on his schedule, especially with more clients contacting him regarding his job.

For a second there, Papyrus thought he accidentally hung up - his brother was very quiet. Finally, the other spoke after a moment of heavy silence.

“ _I know you can take care of yourself, Papyrus._ ”, Sans’ voice was softer than usual. “ _I didn’t mean to make you feel that I don’t. You’re... an adult monster. You can make your own decisions._ ”

Those words were enough for him to wake up entirely. He stood up and shuffled towards the window to open it and let some fresh air inside. The waft of chilly wind tickled his cheekbones as he leaned on the windowsill and hung his head, focused on his brother’s words.

“ _I admit... it was much easier for me when you were home, you know? At least I could just take those few steps to your room and see for myself that you’re fine._ ”, Sans admitted after another moment of silence.

Papyrus knit his brow bones a little and let out a sigh. This was another reason he moved - the constant worrying, checking on him, small and unimportant questions that were supposed to justify this hovering. He honestly hoped that this would help them both. They weren’t going to live together for the rest of their lives after all. They both had dreams. Both maybe wished to have families someday, like normal people.

Sans breathed heavily. “ _I shouldn’t have..._ ”, he muttered but hesitated for a moment. “ _I’m sorry._ ”, he said with much more confidence.

He knew his brother was sincere.

“... I think you scared her away.”, Papyrus finally spoke, his voice still hoarse after sleep.

It wasn’t entirely true in his mind. There was a _deal._ He didn’t request you stay his fake friend after the dinner was done. But after those few times he hung out with you, he hoped that you might have liked him enough to stay in touch. He thought you had fun with him - he had, especially with the cooking. It was... nice to have somebody around.

“ _Is there anything I can do?_ ”, his brother still sounded apologetic. “ _I did delete her number but I could call her and apologize too?_ ”

Papyrus shook his head dejectedly. “No... there’s no... It’s fine. Just leave her alone.”

The silence that rang between them after his words was less tense than before. It was still awkward and filled with guilt on both sides - for different reasons - but it also seemed more companionable.

“ _Have you... tried to talk to her about this?_ ”, Sans asked, his tone cautious.

He almost huffed at this, more from bitter amusement than anything else. Despite everything, his brother knew him best. He was too much of a _coward_ to actually ask and check whether his anxiety-induced suspicions were true.

“No. I... I don’t think she wants me around now.”, he muttered.

Sans hummed lowly. “ _Are you sure, brother? She seemed quite smart... and_ fond _of you._ ”, those words sounded a little bitter but he continued without a pause. “ _I doubt that you’re the reason for... whatever is happening now._ ”

Papyrus straightened himself and looked at the backyard. “You’re _my_ brother.”

“ _Well, yes._ ”, the other scoffed loudly, his usual demeanor returning. “ _But as far as I know, we aren’t joined at the hip. Maybe it’s just me? I mean..._ of course, it’s me _. What I want to say... is that perhaps her unwarranted dislike for my humble and innocent person doesn’t extend to you, too._ ”

“... I don’t know.”, Papyrus answered.

He heard an impatient sigh on the other side of the call but his brother continued in his previous tone. “ _Give it a try, Papyrus. If she didn’t tell you to fuck off yet, then theoretically speaking, you’re still her friend, right?_ ”

He had to pause to think about it. You weren’t _really_ his friend but... Sans had a point. You didn’t tell him that the deal was done _or_ off. Maybe he could text you again and ask what was going on? Or maybe even visit you?

“ _Unless... unless she did..._ ”, his brother said awkwardly when the silence filled with Papyrus’ thoughts stretched for too long.

“No. You’re right... I’ll... I’ll think of something.”, he spoke quickly.

He felt a surge of confidence filling his soul.

__________

Tupperware container! It was so simple!

He had eaten the leftover food the next day after that fateful dinner and totally forgot he still had it. He had cleaned it and left to dry right away, not willing to ruin something of yours because of his procrastinating nature and now it seemed like a _perfect_ excuse for him.

After all, he should be a good neighbor and return the container, right? Right.

Papyrus put no less amount of careful planning and overthinking about his new idea than before. He picked a thinner hoodie that was lighter in color and dug up the brightest t-shirt he could find. It was medium gray by his standards, but it was the best he could do. What he _couldn’t_ do was fixing his tired expression - no amount of cold water splashed at his face could erase the dark circles under his eye sockets. It wasn’t that bad though. Tired was better than scary, after all.

He was really giddy when he reached your apartment and knocked on the door. In hindsight, this was probably the effect of his nerves mixed with the lack of sleep rather than real confidence and it made waiting for you to answer the door a little unbearable. He had to stop himself from knocking again too soon a few times.

You were home, thankfully. When you opened up the door, he noticed you didn’t cower behind it like before but this observation was quickly forgotten when he got a chance to properly look at you.

“Hey... uh...”, he said absent-mindedly as he stared at your pale and tired face. “I thought I should return this...”

You were leaning heavily on the doorframe, one hand braced against it while the other held to the doorknob on the other side. Something was very wrong. Papyrus watched you blink a few times before looking at the plastic container he held out towards you.

“Oh... yeah. I... sorry, I forgot.”, you rubbed your face with your hand. Your voice sounded hoarse and you overall seemed... off. He could swear your skin glistened a little, which didn’t seem right to him, too.

When you didn’t make any move to take the container from him, he frowned. “Are you... is something...?”

“I’m just... sick. I’ll be ok...”, you mumbled and clumsily reached towards the plastic box.

Without the support of your hand, you suddenly swayed and collapsed. Only by instinct, Papyrus managed to react before you hit your head on the shelf. Supporting the back of your neck with his hand, he picked you up in his arms a second later. All of it happened so fast, he barely even had time to think. The only thing he was sensible enough to do was getting inside your apartment and closing the door behind him. A neighbor seeing him like this could cause too much trouble for him to handle, and he was reaching his limits in a lightning speed already.

For a moment, he was mortified. You weren’t moving at all, lying boneless in his arms. Why? What happened? What should he-

Thankfully, you groaned softly before he managed to spur himself into panic. You started moving in a rather clumsy manner, flailing your arms as if looking for support of the floor or walls which were currently out of your reach. To Papyrus it seemed you were clearly unaware of what just happened.

“It’s ok...”, he spoke gently and held you a little closer to prevent you from hitting your hand on the furniture. “I’ve got you, it’s ok.”

Your eyelids fluttered when you probably tried to focus on him, still trying to move despite his hold but in a much more sluggish way now. The weak sound you made seemed questioning.

“You collapsed at the door, ______.”, he said, keeping his tone as calm and gentle as possible. “I caught you. You’re fine.”

He stared at your pale expression intently, looking for any signs of fear. Papyrus really hoped that you wouldn’t suddenly be startled about him holding you. So far, that seemed to be the case. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be in your personal space, not to mention touching you at all. But he wasn’t going to let you hit your head now, _was he_?

“You should lie down, right? Let’s get you to bed, ________.”, he used your name again, hoping it would help even a little. Wasn’t it how he should be acting right now? He wasn’t sure, really, but at the same time, it didn’t seem it would hurt.

He waited patiently for you to make a decision and your weak nod was all he needed.

He carried you deeper into your flat and with some trouble opened the door to your bedroom. The bed was unmade with covers tossed to the side, he noticed, which would only make his job easier. Carefully maneuvering between the chest of drawers and the foot of the bed, he got to the other side of the mattress. He managed not to kick any furniture on his way, which counted as a big success in his book.

Papyrus lowered your body gently on the bed, supporting your head before he placed it on the pillow. As he touched your neck, he felt that your skin was very warm and a little wet but that only worried him more.

It was odd and somewhat uncomfortable to feel how fragile you seemed in this state. Every time he saw you, you seemed... bigger. Sturdier maybe? Now, he was afraid he might hurt you if he even touches you the wrong way.

He kicked himself mentally for thinking like this. His imagination was _way_ too vivid. He was clearly watching too many human horrors and he should stop. Both with the movies and the thoughts that is. His mind had enough problems to focus on anyway, currently reeling and frantic to remember all the things he read about humans and their health.

Papyrus was able to recall some of it but it wasn’t enough for him to be 100% sure what happened to you. Did you faint or was it something else? Did he really manage to catch you before you hurt yourself? It all happened too fast for him to remember. Should he call an ambulance? Or start looking for human help?

_What. Should. He. Do?_ God...

“Hey... do you... need something?”, he asked softly, a hint of panicked worry already finding its way into his voice. “Medicine? Or... Should I call 911?”

You made a displeased sound and slowly shook your head. “I... took some like... minute before...? I think...”, you breathed slowly. “‘s just a fever... nothing more.”

He gently covered you up to your chin and carefully placed his big hand on your shoulder. His mind registered what you were saying and he grunted in acknowledgment. You took something already, great. That was a relief. He would feel _extremely_ uncomfortable feeding you any medicine in this state.

“So... ok. Alright.”, he sighed. “I’ll... You need rest, yeah? I’ll be in the living room if you need something.”

You nodded slowly and closed your eyes. Only after a few seconds of dazed staring, he noticed he was still touching you and quickly withdrew his hand. Papyrus looked away and slowly left the room, trying not to bump into anything on his way out.

He stopped in the hallway for a moment, standing awkwardly like a lost kid in a shopping alley, not entirely sure what to do. His eye lights wandered around the hallway in search for some inspiration, and thankfully, they found it. He located the tupperware container on the floor next to the door and picked it up only to carry it to your kitchen.

When he dealt with this little ‘mess’, he entered the living room and slowly lowered himself on the edge of the couch, still keeping an eye on the bedroom door. He sat there, stiff as a ramrod and uncomfortable while his hands were nervously tapping on his knees.

Ok. So this happened.

The magic stirring in his soul after this particular adventure was making his bones tremble a little. The lingering feeling of your limp body in his arms wasn’t helping him either. Papyrus closed his eye sockets and took a few breaths to calm himself down, forcing his shoulders to drop a little and relax a bit.

You were fine. Just a fever. Nothing bad happened. It’s fine.

It’s fine.

__________

Unable to just leave and get his computer, he was somewhat forced to use yours.

Alright, not _actually_ forced. He just felt like he should do something more than just tucking you in in the most awkward way possible. And your laptop was just there, at his arm’s reach, open, unlocked and ready to go.

He was very careful not to disturb or otherwise touch the blanket nest you made on the couch as he reached for the computer. Papyrus grimaced at this dumb idea and blatant invasion of privacy as he quickly minimized all the windows you had open only to bring up the plain browser screen.

Finding out what to do with a feverish human - except for giving them proper meds and taking them to the hospital - wasn’t actually that hard. From most of the descriptions, it didn’t seem that bad...

Okay, no, scratch that. Humans could die from this. _Shit_.

He quickly checked a few more sources which confirmed this but also assured him somehow that this ailment was quite common. Not all fevers killed, it seemed, and he really hoped yours was in the happy group of mild symptoms. To be safe, he formed his query in a different way before deciding what to do next.

It was mighty uncomfortable for him to search through your kitchen and bathroom with this particular idea in mind. Thankfully, he found a stack of bowls in the second cupboard he opened and picked the plastic one - in case he dropped it by accident, there would be only water to wipe. A small towel that wasn’t a kitchen rag was a little harder to obtain but you kept a few under the sink in the bathroom.

Overall, a wet compress to put on the forehead didn’t seem like a dumb idea. It was simple, sounded reasonable and he was able to prepare it without causing mayhem in your flat. He could do it.

You seemed to be sleeping when he re-entered the bedroom. He hesitated in the doorway and looked at the bowl in his hands. Should he be disturbing you like this? Would you be ok with him getting too close again? He had only the _best_ intentions in mind... but did that give him the right to break your rules again?

He decided that _yes_. Perhaps he was wrong and there was your rightful anger or other unpleasant things waiting for him later but his discomfort was a little less important than your health. If he was able to help you now, with something that seemed dangerous for humans, he wanted to do that. He wanted to be helpful, not harmful.

As the mattress dipped under his weight again, you opened your eyes for a moment.

“I... uh... I’ve read this helps for the fever...”, he muttered nervously as he wrung the small towel in his hands to get rid of the excess lukewarm water. Hearing no objection from you, he slowly proceeded.

When he placed the damp compress on your forehead, you made a weird sound that startled him a little. It was something between a groan and a sigh but nothing in your expression clearly showed you were distressed by this. Tentatively, he withdrew his hands, leaving the towel on your head, not entirely sure what to make of your reaction.

A moment later you started squirming under the covers and freed one of your hands only to sluggishly pull the cloth lower, over your closed eyes.

You made that sound again and Papyrus understood. Relief.

“... thanks.”, you said softly as you tried to hide your hand again.

Hearing this, Papyrus relaxed his shoulders and let out a deep sigh only realizing how tense he was since he entered the room. It seemed, at last, that he did something correctly.

“You’re welcome...”, he answered, his voice no louder than yours. He pulled the corner of your covers a little higher before leaving you to rest.

__________

A sense of impending danger startled him wide awake. In split second, he jumped away from the source of the perceived threat as he rose from the couch on which he apparently dozed off. As soon as his shrunk eye lights landed on your surprised expression, he understood his mistake but it was a little too late.

Still having the momentum of his initial flight or fight response, he tripped over the coffee table which moved a good few inches away from the couch. Somehow he managed not to topple on the small table but he hit his tibia on the closest shelf before he finally regained his balance. A few books and one knickknack fell to the floor and the sudden pain still mixed with his reaction made him choke out an indignant yelp.

“Are... are you ok, Papyrus?”, you asked, quite startled by his reaction.

Utterly embarrassed by how his jumpiness almost broke your furniture, he hobbled two more steps away from the shelf.

“Uh... y-yeah. I... I’m not used to... uh...”, he looked sheepishly at you. “...falling asleep somewhere else.”

Well then, he indeed fell asleep at a random place. Random as in _not safe enough_ like his own flat, so it was no wonder he was all jerky in the unfamiliar place. He looked at the accidental makeover he made in your living room and noticed your laptop. It was surely in a different place than where you left it and not because he moved the coffee table with his body a second ago.

He took this one step and closed the computer screen, immediately feeling twice as guilty for invading your privacy and being so stupidly obvious about it now.

“I... I was just checking your... uh... symptoms?”, he explained quickly, his voice sounding more and more nervous. “I didn’t want to make it worse so... so I... googled fever and...”, he tried to give you a tense smile but he knew how sketchy he sounded right now.

You stared at him for a second and gave him a few short nods. “Ok.”, you said and fixed the blanket draped around your body before waddling to the bathroom.

He breathed in relief when you disappeared from his view.

He managed to set the furniture back to its places and pick the items from the floor before you came back. Thankfully, nothing seemed to be broken by his clumsiness. Papyrus quickly put the weird knick-knack on the shelf right next to him and turned to you as you re-entered the living room.

You seemed a little better, maybe a tad brighter on the face. He was sure you were still tired and groggy but there was less of this... wrongness he noticed when you opened the door. And you didn’t seem like kicking him out right now, which was a plus, too.

“How... how are you feeling? You seem...”, he made a vague gesture at you but quickly used the same hand to nervously rub the back of his skull and look away. “... better?”

“Yeah, I’m better. Thanks.”, you said, your voice still hoarse.

Papyrus nodded awkwardly.

Well, the situation seemingly solved itself and he clearly overreacted again. You getting sick and not having the strength to deal with the world was something that explained your behavior entirely. Well... almost entirely.

He cleared his proverbial throat, hoping that touching this particular topic wouldn’t make anything worse. It just got better after all. “About... about my brother...”

“Yes?”, your tone sounded wary but not overly angry or scared. Good. Great. He can do this.

“He... he said he was _sorry_. He’s paranoid about humans... which doesn’t excuse him, of course... but he knows he crossed a line. Like... big time.”, he managed an apologetic smile or at least hoped it looked like one to you. “He won’t be bugging you and... all that.”

You stared at him for a moment, processing what he just told you and finally, after what seemed to be too long for his comfort, you gave him a slow nod.

“Oh... ok, I guess.”, you added.

He should probably go. It was hard to tell how much time he spent just sleeping on your couch with his monster face stuffed into your blankets but he was sure that at least a few hours had passed. You never had him over for longer than two and he was probably gravely overstaying his welcome and...

“So...”, you shuffled to the couch and sat to the left while dragging the laptop closer to you. “... how many sites told you I was dying?”, you asked with a small smile.

“Uh...”, he blinked, not knowing how to answer this.

You waved your hand. “There’s a running joke among humans... that those medical sites always tell us we have cancer or we’re dying for one illness or another...”, you pursed your lips for a moment. “Maybe that’s not funny.”

He shook his head quickly. “N-no. I mean. How... how does this joke work, exactly?”

“Lemme show you.”, your smile got a little wider and you gestured at him to sit next to you.

With a shy smile of his own, he joined you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No coffee tables, bookshelves, and Tupperware containers were damaged while writing this chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> [Thunderstruck Edgelord](https://thunderstruck-edgelord.tumblr.com/) \- here's a blog for my main UT fic where I answer asks and post updates. Feel free to drop by regarding this fic too!


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